What does a wife do when her husband cheats?
That was the most frequently asked question I received last week since starting my new blog series on “Questions Women Ask.”
One woman emailed: “My husband loves me, he just loves her, too. He says the affair is over and I just need to get over it.”
Another woman who confronted her husband about an extra-marital relationship said “He said he was sorry and looked like he meant it but how can I believe him? I feel so insecure. I fear he might do it again. Should I stay or should I leave?”
And a woman who is seeking God’s will above her own says “”What if the man in question is your husband of 29 years and the father of your 3 children? And he has been in a relationship with another woman for 10 years?”
My heart breaks that so many women are struggling with whether or not to stay in a marriage after betrayal. They shouldn’t have to make that decision. But betrayal has forced them into the question of God’s will for their heart and marriage. Scripture is clear that divorce was never God’s desire for His people (Malachi 2:16; Matthew 19:8), so it is imperative that we must take it before God carefully and prayerfully.
Marriage is defined by God as a “one flesh” union between one man and one woman, expressed through a commitment to forsake all others and cling to each other for a lifetime (Genesis 2:24). When one member of the marriage party brings another person into that “one flesh” union the marriage, as God has defined it, ceases to exist. The bond has been broken, and the union severed.
However, it does not mean it is beyond hope.
If you have been betrayed — or you know someone who has — and must decide whether to stay in the marriage or not, here are three points to consider that will prayerfully lead you toward God’s peace:
1) God can restore any person or couple who seeks His restoration through a repentant heart. If both spouses are willing to reconcile God can do a wondrous work in the two of you that may one day help and encourage other couples in distress. God is always glorified through restoration and forgiveness. But if a spouse is unwilling to repent and change his behavior (or if the one who was betrayed cannot forgive her offender), consider No. 2.
2) God wants your life — and marriage — to glorify Him above all else. God can be glorified through your exercise of forgiveness and the ultimate restoration of your marriage as a witness to others of what God can do. But God can also be honored when you determine that an unrepentant spouse will no longer mock God and the institution of marriage. God cannot be glorified through a “marriage” in which sexual and relational unfaithfulness continue to exist. Marriage was designed to be a mirror image of how Christ loves the church, unconditionally and sacrificially. But Christ is the “husband” of the church. A wife who continues to let her husband cheat on her for fear of leaving a marriage is mirroring a pseudo union of a manipulative man who is mocking God’s design for marriage. I know a few God-serving women who had to let their marriage go because their husband refused to honor the covenant of marriage and the unfaithfulness and abuse did more damage to the testimony of Christ than their staying together. Pray that God will make it very clear to you how He can best be glorified in your life and in the severed union that was once your marriage.
3) God has provided tangible resources for help. No matter what you decide to do, find a community of help and support. We were not designed to struggle alone…as individuals or couples. Please seek biblical counseling or a referral for such through your local church. Before a decision is made to dissolve the marriage entirely, you both should have counseling, help, and accountability. As the betrayed spouse, you will never “get over it” — nor does God expect you to — until your husband takes the steps necessary to earn your trust once again. Or until you find healing in the One who can heal all hurts.
There are many resources available to help hurting couples find healing, restoration, and a new beginning. Family Life is one ministry that specializes in the restoration of marriage (www.familylife.com) and I highly recommend their Weekend to Remember conferences.
In When a Woman Overcomes Life’s Hurts, I share Deanna’s story of wanting to give up on her marriage due to her husband’s repeated infidelity. But after attending an Emergency Marriage Seminar, hosted by Affair Recovery, both Deanna and her husband experienced God’s transformation of their hearts and their marriage. They now have a ministry together to other hurting couples who are in the same situation they once were. (See AffairRecovery.com for more details on the Emergency Marriage Seminar.)
Above all, please remember that God honors your heart to want to please Him, in spite of how you’ve been hurt. And He will neither hold you to a situation of emotional bondage nor desert you in the middle of your struggle.
If you are feeling alone through this ordeal, please read through my books Letting God Meet Your Emotional Needs and When Women Walk Alone. They will help you, chapter by chapter, gain the confidence to walk through this situation, no matter what you decide to do, and be more able and stable to deal with whatever comes your way.
Finally, my best advice to you, hurting wife, comes from the God who calls Himself your “husband” and says He will “call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit” (Isaiah 54:5-6).
His Word offers you this hope:
Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths (Proverbs 3:5-6).
And Jesus, Himself, instructed us to:
Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you (Matthew 6:33).
He has not forgotten you. He will direct you. And He will hold you in His righteous right hand (Psalm 16:11).
Thank you so very much for the sound biblical advice! God knows my heart and has given me the grace to get through all of this. At this time, He has shown me my husband’s unrepentant, hard heart and that he is, in fact, still in this ‘other’ relationship (I found them out together a week ago!). I pray God gives me the grace for that ‘next step,’ even though it is not what I have wanted, I do not believe it is Christ honoring to stay in this marriage.
Thank you for sharing your heart with us, Kim. Your ability to recognize God’s grace in the midst of this shows your maturity and the absence of bitterness, which is so important when making decisions that affect your future. It also shows your softened heart toward the Lord. You are in my prayers today.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful, biblical insight, and the 3 points to consider. Thank you especially for this thought which really spoke to me: ‘ When one member of the marriage party brings another person into that “one flesh” union the marriage, as God has defined it, ceases to exist. The bond has been broken, and the union severed.’ It was a revelation to me to think that I would not be breaking the bond, it has already been broken.
You’re welcome. Thank you for reading and commenting.
What do I do when it’s my emotional and sexual neglect that put my husband in a depressive state, leading him to seek close friendship and eventually a “sexting” affair with a coworker?
Until I found out about the affair, I did not realize that I was neglecting him…it’s a complex situation, where a combination of my multiple chronic illnesses (including several that limit my physical and sexual ability; major depressive disorder; and growth hormone deficiency- which caused me to withdraw and isolate myself), and my low self-worth and fear of rejection. My behavior went on for 10 years… I am overwhelmed with guilt for my part in this – and I’m having difficulty forgiving myself. My husband told me that for these past 10 years, he has felt unloved, undesired, and that I didn’t care about his well being. He immediately told me that this does not excuse his wrongdoing, and that he is very sorry. I apologized for my neglect and told him that I never stopped loving, desiring, or caring about him. I have worked very hard to show him how much I love him – I’ve put aside my fear of rejection and initiated much more physical and emotional interaction, and we learned about each other’s Love Languages (Gary Chapman’s website was is so helpful), which has helped me know what to do to show my husband how much I love him. We have forgiven one another, and he told me that he is not giving up on us, but that we’re not ‘good’ yet, because he fears that I will go back to my old behaviors and neglect him again. I don’t know what to do to prove that I am entirely committed to being the kind of wife he deserves and that I will not allow myself to make the same mistakes. I told him that much, and how this whole situation has burned into my mind the need for me to frequently evaluate how well I am fulfilling that role of his wife. Other than continuing to make positive changes in my behavior and actions, how can I alleviate his fears?
Thank you for your honest and thoughtful question. My book, When a Woman Inspires Her Husband, was written to show wives how to understand, affirm, and encourage their husbands. Many wives in the same situation as you, who feel the burden to show their husbands that they want to prioritize them once again, have found that book helpful. I interviewed many husbands married anywhere from 5 to 50 years to find out what resonates the most with men and what they need most from their wives. I also provide many application steps you can take to affirm him as a man, a person, a husband, a child of God and so on. I believe you will find that book helpful at this season in your marriage too. I wish you the best in restoring your marriage.
My heart goes out to women whose husbands cheat. Your post is so helpful! You gave some great reading recommendations, I’d like to also recommend your devotional “God’s Whispers to a Woman’s Heart”. It’s such a blessing each morning, ESPECIALLY when life gets heavy.
Thank you, Chery, for your kind words and your recommendation. Blessings on your day.
lovely write
About 4 months ago I read your Letting God Meet Your Emotional Needs. I loved it and it has really helped me. Today I came home from work to find my significant other cheating. It sure does hurt. But I’m praying God guides me through this all. We’ve been only been married and in our new home for 9 months . It’s a hard to decision as I am Wanting to be done with it all.
I’m so sorry for your hurting heart and all that you are going through right now. Because he has cheated, I strongly recommend you read “Love Must be Tough” by Dr. James Dobson because it will help you find the balance between unconditional love and forgiveness and commitment to your marriage and yet still holding up a standard that he has now defiled and must make the effort to win back your trust. Just because we are wives does not mean we must excuse our husbands. Jesus doesn’t expect us to turn the other cheek when it comes to a spouse violating marriage vows. Be strong, my sister in Christ….look to Jesus first and gain wisdom from His Word and from godly people around you who can provide BIBLICAL (not worldly) counsel. My heart is with you.