Are you struggling to forgive someone who has hurt you but hasn’t shown any signs of remorse?
In my ongoing blog series “Questions Women Ask,” I received an email asking “How do you forgive someone after betrayal although he denies any wrongdoing?”
Another woman asked “Am I expected to forgive someone who hasn’t even apologized?”
And another reader asked why she isn’t able to forget an offense, and is that a sign that she hasn’t really forgiven?
I suppose we could forgive — and forget — a lot easier if the one who wronged us was remorseful and started showing signs of changing their behavior so they wouldn’t hurt us again. But forgiveness is not something we offer another individual based upon their apology, level of remorse, or promised behavioral change.
In my book, When a Woman Overcomes Life’s Hurts, I clear up some misconceptions many of us have about forgiveness, which often keeps us from extending it to others. These four truths might help you forgive a person who doesn’t deserve your forgiveness:
1. Forgiveness isn’t dependent upon an apology first.
We forgive others not because they deserve it, but because God commands it. Forgiveness is something we offer others freely (without a prerequisite) because God has offered it freely to each of us. God took the initiative to forgive us our offenses against Him before we even knew to repent and admit our wrongdoing.
The Bible tells us:
But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5:8, NASB).
He forgave us “while we were yet sinners” and therefore we are to model that kind of forgiveness to others, whether they ask for it or not.
Chances are, your offender might never ask for your forgiveness. (I’ve counseled many women whose fathers hurt them deeply and died before admitting their offenses and asking forgiveness.) Even if you did receive an apology, it wouldn’t be able to undo the hurt you experienced. Therefore, your forgiveness is a gift that you give to someone because of how God has unreservedly forgiven you (Ephesians 4:32).
2. When you forgive, you won’t necessarily forget.
To completely forget an offense is something only God is capable of (Isaiah 43:25). As humans, we have memories and, perhaps for our protection (so we won’t be hurt again in the same way), we tend to remember hurtful things. When the offense comes to mind, remind yourself “I have released that person from their obligation toward me” and move on, mentally and emotionally. You might even have to do this daily.
3. You don’t need to meet face-to-face — or resume the relationship — in order to forgive a person.
Just because you forgive someone does not mean you are saying “We can be friends again” or “You can hurt me again” or even “Yes, I will meet with you.” Forgiveness happens in your heart when you say “I am releasing you from the expectation that you will ever be able to make right the hurt you caused me. ” You can still have boundaries for your protection.
4. Forgiveness frees you, not your offender.
Sometimes we hesitate to forgive so we won’t take a person off the hook for their offense, especially if they aren’t remorseful. Yet, refusing to forgive someone keeps us on their emotional hook.
We remain in chains of emotional bondage to those we refuse to forgive. By withholding forgiveness we are saying “I will always hold onto this pain” and “I am letting you continue to hurt me.” That is where you don’t want to be…stuck in a place of pain. Free yourself from another person’s emotional hook by saying with your forgiveness, “I’m letting go of this. It no longer has a hold over me.”
For more on how to forgive and overcome other wounds, see my book When a Woman Overcomes Life’s Hurts.
Cindi,
Thank you for this reminder about forgiveness. Life will always have it’s moments where we experience some kind of hurt or betrayal. You have provided points on how we can forgive with grace. Thank you!
Sincerely,
Lynn Avrett
Scottsdale, Az.
Thank you, Lynn, for taking the time to comment. It’s great to hear from you. You’re right, life consists of heartache, betrayal, disappointment, and myriads of reasons to forgive. I’m so happy God’s grace enables us to do so.
I am struggling to forgive my spouse for having affairs with 2 women at the same time. I feel so hurt and still don’t really trust him. This all happened about 6 and 1/2 years ago. I didn’t divorce him because I didn’t feel that God wanted me to. We are not a connected couple anymore. There is zero intimacy between us.
Thank you, Lisa, for sharing your struggle. Trust is not something that automatically re-appears when we forgive. In fact, in your situation the burden is on your husband to earn back your trust. In my July 14 post,”What to do When a Husband Cheats,” I referenced a link for Affair Recovery, on which you may find helpful resources in your attempts to reconnect with your husband. You are in my prayers today.
Okay. I feel that my situation is unique. My husband has allowed my 17 year old son to disrespect me to the highest degree in his presence. He refuses to discipline him, he allows him to go to his parents house for weeks at a time if I try to ground him. He totally and completely have stripped me of any parental authority over my son along with allowing his entire family to disrespect me andinsult me because they believe the lies that my son have told on me. He doesn’t defend me but abandons me. He apologizes over and over and then repeat the same behavior. He does nothing different. As a result, I have moved out our bedroom , I no longer do anything with him socially, I don’t even talk to him m anymore. I cry myself to sleep every night. I can’t see myself being intimate with a man who does not hit or respect me. And to just go back to normal without him doing anything to rectify the situation, how is that going to help him see the errors of what he has done?
Nikki: I do hope you and your husband are connected to a Bible-believing church that has counseling resources because I strongly suggest you seek biblical counseling from your pastor or another qualified individual for both you and your husband. (If your husband will not agree to counseling, go to your pastor, explain the situation and have someone hold your husband accountable so he will get the counseling with you that he needs in order to respect his wife and not allow the parenting relationship to supersede the marriage). And you need counseling help, and encouragement as well, as crying yourself to sleep is not helping the situation either. To become resentful in a situation like this will only make it worse. I once was told “more of the same doesn’t mean change.” It sounds like this has been a problem for awhile and unless something changes through personal heart conviction, change of behavior, counseling, and accountability, it will continue to be the same old problem.
Thank you so much for validating what I already know. As of late, I have decided to try to make the house a more pleasant environment just for the sake of my other son who is just caught in the middle. I don’t want a cold home but its just a bandaid. Its not a fix because my husband’s mentatity is not in line with bible principles. I have taken this matter to the elders in my congregation. My husband decided to relinquish all of his duties because he will not give them consent to counsel my son and give him the spiritual help that he needs. So, he basically refuses to allow anyone to discipline my son. i know based on my bible reading that this is going to lead to disaster for my sons. The bible clearly states “The boy let on the loose will cause his mother shame.” I have no control over this situation. Its just unfortunate that my husband doesn’t have the courage to do the right thing. Its extreemely painful for me. But I do appreciate your response.
Thank you for your response, Nikki. My prayers are with you. My book, 10 Secrets to Becoming a Worry-Free Mom might really be of comfort to you right now, especially my chapter on “Trusting God’s Faultless Filter” when you’re in situations that you really have no control over. God sees your heart and He has a way of protecting our kids when we are prevented from doing the right thing, as is your situation. Use coupon code “THANKYOU” in my website store to save an additional 20 percent off the already reduced price of this book so it can take you through the new year with a sense of peace and trust that God is in control and loves your sons even more than you do. Praying for you in this new year, my friend.
What if it’s a sibling who you have to deal with all the time: I forgive but when I start to be around this sibling it always ends in the same way — she says something mean. How do you deal with that?
Heidi: To forgive someone means you will not continue to hold a certain offense against someone and define them by that offense. However, forgiveness does not mean you have to keep putting yourself in the situation where that person can continually hurt you. With a sibling, it’s tough because, like you said, they are family and you don’t want to excommunicate the person. However, you may need to establish certain boundaries around your sister. For instance, if certain topics of conversation or being in certain circumstances with her results in a reaction from her that hurts you, choose to avoid those topics or circumstances. You may also need to talk with your sibling and tell her you love her but for the sake of the relationship you find it difficult to be around her when she does certain things that hurt you. Above all, pray before going into that situation, that your temperament, words, and responses will diffuse, rather than escalate any arguments or negativity on her part.
Forgiveness is more important for your own well being than your offenders. Forgive and release it to God. He will give you the strength and grace to get through. The person who has hurt you will be judged by Him. We can’t; He can; Let him do. Blessings to you Cindi for your wise and encouraging words.
Thank you, Tracy. And I agree. We forgive others for the benefit of our soul. An unforgiving spirit eventually turns into bitterness which deteriorates our souls.We are free when we freely forgive. We also can better relate to our Savior. Thank you for your comments.
Dear Cindi, I love your wisdom and your sweet heart. It’s always refreshing to read your writing, and the Lord uses it to bless me. I’m currently filling out a 33 page packet to go through a “Deliverance” class, and it is bringing up a lot of stuff from my childhood and my past. I think I have forgiven each person who hurt or offended me but I do pray that I have completely forgiven and have no roots of bitterness. Sometimes I think I’ve forgiven but I don’t know for sure if I have. May the Lord help us all forgive with His strength. Blessings my Sister (in Christ). 🙂
Thank you, Amber, for sharing your thoughts. I think part of our daily communion with God is presenting our hearts before Him and asking if there’s anything in us that needs to be cleaned up, cleared away, refined, and polished. So, I understand what you mean when you say “Sometimes I think I have forgiven but I don’t know for sure if I have.” God knows, and just wondering about it shows that you are keeping a sensitive heart toward His Holy Spirit. One of the myths of forgiveness that I present in my book, When a Woman Overcomes Life’s Hurts, is that forgiveness is a one-time deal. Sometimes it’s not. Sometimes we must repeatedly forgive someone in our hearts when our minds bring back the offense or if feelings of resentment start to stir up again. For some women I know, forgiveness toward certain people is a daily exercise as they seek to keep a right heart before the Lord. Thank you for your sweet spirit and your desire to please Him.
Okay, Cindi, this post really touched me. I work on this subject daily, but I see I need to work on it more…. I just ordered your book. Thank you for having that resource to help me<3
Thanks, Chery. I hope When a Woman Overcomes Life’s Hurts ministers to your heart.
Is it necessary to tell the person that hurt you that he is forgiven? I mean, if you forgive someone in your heart, does it matter if you tell him that you have forgiven him? I am afraid that if I tell him I forgive him, if he doesn’t think he has done anything wrong, that my telling him will seem condescending.
Hi Marie: I understand your question. And it’s a good one. If someone doesn’t believe they have hurt or offended you and therefore they offer no apology it would seem almost presumptuous for us to inform that person that they are forgiven. That’s why, in that case, I believe your forgiveness is between you and God. Ask God to examine your heart and make sure you hold no bitterness to the person who has hurt you. I would think if that person comes to you with a repentant heart, desiring to know if you have truly forgiven him, that might be the time to tell him you hold no bitterness in your heart toward him. In the mean time, I would simply pray that God convicts his heart to repent of his wrong doing or that God gives you the grace to move forward without ever hearing his apology.
What do you do if the offender has actually mistreated one of your children? I’m afraid that forgiving this person in my heart and not requiring them to verbally apologize to my child will send my son the wrong message. I’m worried that he won’t be able to understand why a grown-up is allowed to mistreat others, but doesn’t have to apologize knowing that I would never allow him to behave that way.
HI Jessica: Thank you for your question. It’s important to remember that there’s a difference between forgiveness and continuing the relationship. We forgive, again, because God has forgiven us. Because it keeps us from becoming bitter. Because it humbles us and teaches us to be Christlike. However, we do not have to continue relationships with people who are not truly sorry for how they have treated us, or who show no signs of remorse or willingness to apologize. It’s important for your son to see that he and his mom forgive people because that’s what Christ has done for us and that’s what it means to be obedient to Christ. But we don’t have to continue to let people offend us or even continue to let them be a part of our lives if they are not repentant. It’s a good teaching moment to explain to your son “We hold no ill will toward him, simply because God has forgive us for all of our offenses to Him and expects us to do the same with others. However, let’s not let him into your life to hurt you again until he’s ready to apologize and take ownership for his actions.” Forgiveness and humility is the greatest thing we can teach our children. But to teach them to expect apologies first, is in many ways unrealistic. I pray this helps. And again, thank you for sharing your concern.
Thank you for this! In my case the (christian) offender even said that it was actually my problem if his actions hurt or provoked me because he has a pure heart and isn’t aware of any wrongdoing and I was responsible for how I felt…
Still I want to forgive and pray for him.
Vanessa, I’m sorry that pride is keeping this man from taking responsibility for his offense toward you. I know God will honor your heart to forgive him anyway. Your soft moldable heart before God is far more important than whether this man ever acknowledges his hurtful behavior and changes. You answer to God. And so will he. May God give you the peace that comes from having a forgiving heart and one that is open to all HE wants to do in your life.
My daughter’s father physically attacked me a week after she was born. The impact from that assault has left me with physical problems that I have to deal with on a daily basis. How can I forgive him if I’m reminded of what happened every day?
Allison, I’m so sorry you are still dealing with the pain of what your daughter’s father did to you. I can’t imagine that pain. But I do know that when we release it to God through forgiveness of that person it brings peace and we no longer carry that burden of expecting that person to make it right. I mentioned in my blog “We forgive others not because they deserve it, but because God commands it.” It is a way that we keep our offenders from continuing to hurt us. We will finally be “released” from the burden of expecting them to somehow make up for their offense, if we forgive them (an action between us and God) and move on. It is difficult to forgive another person when we are reminded every day of what they’ve done and yet that is why forgiveness is a daily thing. Each time that it comes to your mind, tell God “I have forgiven him of that. It was not okay to YOU or to me what he did, but I forgive him because YOU have forgiven me of all I’ve done when I haven’t deserved it either.” Those are tough words, but they come from a Loving Savior who wants us to live our lives free of the bondage of bitterness and hopes of revenge.
I’m truly struggling to forgive a now ex who was diagnosed as a Narcissist/NPD. He could lie with a straight face, and there were so many I found out at the end, too many to count. He had multiple emotional affairs and denied my existence to others when confronted and lived a double life. It has been nothing less than feeling emotionally and spiritually raped by this evil soul. No genuine remorse and the pain, anger and grief of it all is surmountable. Just as God sends people into your life, the devil does too and is busy at work. I’ve never had hatred for anyone but I feel it in my bones for this soulless person. Not a good feeling. I’m struggling with myself and emotions as he “seems” to laugh it off and get by with no justice served. The most disheartening I have ever felt and been through. Evil does exist.
Carrie, I am so sorry at what you have experienced. God never intended marriage (the union of two people — body, mind, and soul) to be one-sided and deceptive like that. Please keep an open heart to the Lord to fill those wounds of yours and remake you into a woman who is ready to trust again and can be loved, purely and rightly.
I recently found out that my table tennis coach made a decision that greatly hindered my development as a player almost two years ago because he cared more about the success of his club than about my future as a table tennis player (I just moved to the area, checked out the nearest club, not knkowing that there was a better team also nearby where I could play at a higher level than at the club I went to. The coach told me there was no other team, so I stayed and played at a lower league than I could have played in), and I can’t play table tennis anymore without thinking and being upset about it. I know he probably didn’t mean to hurt my development as a player like that, but fact is he did, and he keeps trying to justify it and doesn’t show any sign of being sorry. This especially bothers me because I have a special goal that I want to achieve while I still live here (I’m moving away in 1 year), and it seems nearly impossible now to accomplish that goal, but it would have been very realistic if he would have told me about the other option.
It’s especially hard to forgive him because he keeps making stupid justifications and I have to see him every day I go to practice.
I don’t know what to do. I just want to forgive him, but it’s difficult
Thank you, Simon, for sharing your struggle. Your inability to forgive him, though, is holding you back more than your coach held you back. The inability to forgive another leaves us on someone else’s hook and their offense continues to bother us. But when we choose forgive, we free ourselves of the burden we’ve been carrying and we can move forward again, living more lightly and freely. I hope you will find it in your heart to forgive him and move on…even if he doesn’t deserve it. You don’t deserve to live in continued bondage to his offense.
Cindi,
Okay, I’m a man who went through a situation. I fell in love with this woman, and I mean fell hard, the feelings were mutual. She sought me out, and initiated the start of the relationship, I asked her to be my girlfriend after a month, and she was more then willing. I was a gentlemen to her in all aspects. Bought flowers to surprise her, supported her emotionally, listened, never cheated or anything like that. 3 months into our relationship we found out we were pregnant! I was soo excited as was she, nervous and scared but none the less we were both on board. She lives 2 and a half hours away from me, so I found a job was going to move ect, and she became distant. We had a conversation right before we had found out about how all of a sudden I was becoming codependent, but in my defense I really hadn’t changed, she always wanted to talk to me, text me, snap me, ect. So I said I would work on this. A month after we found out and we went to the doctors she left me…and completely stopped talking to me, and 5 days later had a miscarriage! Her father told me not her, and said I needed to give her space. Its been almost 2 month’s and she refuses to speak to me. Blames me for everything, said I shoulda gave her space, that the miscarriage was my fault, and I need to pick up the pieces and simply move on….I’m hurt. All I can think about is that baby and her. I STILL cry everyday, not all day but at some point everyday. I don’t know how to forgive her. I want to believe God has a plan for me, but I’m so angry that she did all this to me…any suggestions?
Billy, thanks for reading my blog and leaving a comment. I’m sorry you’re hurting over this. I understand how painful crushed dreams are, and broken relationships. I’m sure God does have a plan for you but please open your heart to hear that the first step is surrender and obedience to God on your part, which involves repentance over a relationship that was not honoring to God. As old fashioned as it may sound to some today, God’s Word clearly states, even in our culture today, that sex is only right and acceptable in God’s eyes when it is within the confines of marriage — a commitment of unconditional love toward one another, til death separates the two of you. I realize she is the one who broke it off, but if you were ready to raise a child with this woman, then you must be ready to extend forgiveness toward her, too. That is what godly love is…. Unconditional love and forgiveness. You are angry that she did “all this” to you, but obviously she is hurt, too. Relationships get distorted, one-sided, hurtful, and selfish when two people don’t put God in the center of their relationship. When two people forge into a sexual union without a commitment before God and others of “til death do us part” there are often painful consequences that follow — pregnancy outside of marriage, feelings of hurt and betrayal, feelings of abandonment, and the list goes on. That is not God’s design for us. And I believe God knew how very hurtful and damaged our lives would become if we forged into something our own way, without respecting the boundaries He put in place for our best. I humbly suggest that you commit your heart, and this relationship to God, and tell Him you are willing to do what He requires to be the man He has designed you to be, and to have this relationship if that is His will for you. And then trust Him with what happens next. When we surrender our heart and lives to Him, God then gives us His best for us, which is often very different from what we thought is best for us, and what we tried to attain on our own. But God’s best for us always brings peace and joy, not heartache. Trust Him with a new beginning. You are in my prayers this evening.
Yeah, I got that, but… How can you forgive someone who never said I’m sorry?
Bryan, I believe the only way we can really forgive someone who never says “I’m sorry” is to draw upon the love, grace, and forgiveness that God has shown us and to allow His Spirit to change our hearts. I guess it’s like letting God love that person through you. It’s the whole emphasis of my blog and ministry…allowing God to do through you what is beyond you. You and I, as humans, are not capable of an unworldly things like unconditional love and forgiveness. But we can do ALL things (including forgive others) through Christ who strengthens us (Philippians 4:13).
Cindi, My wife and I have been working through a broken friendship with a couple that we have known for 30 years. We believe that repentance from the other couple may never come. We have accepted that and feel that we have forgiven them. But there is still hurt and fear of letting them back into our lives. You mention that God died for our sins while we were still sinners and leaned on this verse to support your feeling that we can forgive without receiving an apology. But the verse says that he died for us not that he forgave us while we were still sinners. Isn’t there a difference? Isn’t God’s forgiveness, His grace, based on our accepting His gift? Acknowledging our wrong and turning to Him. I would love if you could unpack this more for us. Thanks so much, In Him
David, thank you for your comments and for sharing your experience. You said that you and your wife have accepted that repentance may never come from this couple and you feel that you have forgiven them. I believe you have, as it sounds like you have extended grace and decided to move on. I completely understand, too, how there can still be hurt or fear of letting that couple back into your lives (even after you’ve forgiven them), especially if they never apologized or admitted their wrongdoing, or at least how they hurt you. Forgiveness doesn’t have to mean you become close again. It doesn’t even have to mean that you get together again. To forgive another means you no longer harbor their offense in your heart or define that couple by what they did to you. It means you move on with a tender heart, rather than a bitter one. I happen to believe God’s grace and forgiveness is unconditional…not dependent upon our response or action toward Him. But I also believe in divine election, which clarifies that. I believe He forgave us initially and called us, out of His grace, to repent and become children of His through faith. That understanding gives the glory to God for His loving-kindness and unconditional love and grace, rather than praises me for a great decision to repent and “choose” Him. John 15:16 tells us that we did not choose Him but He chose us. That is the type of attitude I am referring to when I say “forgive before the apology as it may never come.” If we hold out for someone to apologize we are saying that they cannot “earn” our forgiveness until they do something to get it. That is not how God forgives us. It gets tricky when we look at what God did and try to imitate it because we are not God. However, we do want to imitate His heart. Jesus said our obedience to Him (and His command to forgive) is the evidence that we love Him. In 1 John we are told that our love toward others will be the evidence of our walk with Him. To forgive a fellow believer is crucial to our fellowship with God and our growth in Christ. However, there are also “necessary endings” (see the book by the same title) and sometimes relationships are for a season and then we must set them aside in order to move forward. I hope I have answered your question. Blessings.
Thank you for the article.
If someone wronged you, never sincerely apologized but as time passed you’ve forgave them and now a year later they are seeking another chance. Do you give them another chance?
Jasmin, God’s Word commands us to forgive others (so we are not holding onto bitterness in our hearts). It sounds like that is what you have done. But we are not commanded to give someone another chance if we don’t believe they can be trusted. I believe you must be the one to decide whether this person has earned your trust again. God wants us to be wise, as well.
Hi Cindy. I was wondering should I forgive someone who hurt me, by calling the police on me when I did nothing wrong? even though they don’t realize it? Also out of hurt and frustration I called them a name.
And then they got their sister involved. And she glared at me at blocked my path. I don’t know what I should do. I mean if I forgive her doesn’t that mean I’m apologizing out of fear or of a fight escalating? I’m not sure if I explained it right?
What should I do?
Sue: To forgive someone means you no longer hold resentment in your heart toward that person. Forgiveness starts at the level with you and God. You are telling God you forgive that person for what she did to you, because He has forgiven you of your own sin. You can forgive someone without a face-to-face encounter, especially if you’re unsure how that encounter might go. There is nothing wrong with erecting boundaries with someone who is volatile and might harass or treat you badly, even if you’re forgiving. Start by forgiving people in your heart in order to protect your heart from becoming bitter.
Dear Cindi: I want to forgive one of my closest friends and an old girlfriend for hooking up behind my back only one day after I lost my virginity to her. The only issue is that they are still in on an ongoing lie to me. For a while I believed them but as time went by holes in their story began to show and eventually even a couple of her best friends told me the truth. I have not brought it back up because we have had may arguments and they just will not crack. Its hard for me to value our friendship knowing the truth with still no true justice. I know it must feel like the weight of the world on their back. Luke 17:3-4 in the bible commands me to rebuke them but I know they must feel horrible. I want so badly for that burden to be lifted from all of us but I fear it never will. Should I just let the lie go on leave them in my past or bring it up again from a different angle?
Anon: I’m sorry for the hurt and betrayal you are experiencing. You’re right, their continued deception probably feels like a burden to them and you can’t release it for them. You CAN, however, make sure their betrayal and continued deceit doesn’t become a burden that weighs YOU down through unforgiveness or resentment. That’s why Christ instructs us to forgive others — even when they don’t ask for the forgiveness, even when they don’t own up to their mistakes and lies, even when they don’t make an effort to reconcile. My advice is that you forgive them in your heart and move on…without their friendship. Trust must be earned and in some cases earned back but they lost your trust. Don’t feel guilty about moving forward without them. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you let them back into your life to hurt you again. Nor does it mean you continue to pine for their apology. God knows your heart. Be content that He sees the truth. It is wise, in some cases, to erect boundaries around your heart and not trust certain people again with your heart. Allow Jesus to fill that hole in your heart that still hurts. He’s the Only One who will never disappoint you. Blessings, my friend.
Hi Cindi,
I find what you write very inspirational. I am struggling with 3 women ex friends/neighbors of mine that took personal information about me and my family and spread it all over the neighborhood. I’m quite certain they don’t think what they did was wrong in any way and have never apologized to me for what they’ve done. It hurt me and my family very much it’s been 2 years and I’m just starting to feel more comfortable around my neighborhood and 2 of the women that I’m forced to communicate with because our children are friends. I would like things to forgive them and be able to be nicer to them but I feel like that would be giving them the impression that I agree with them and am ok with what they did, which I am not I was very hurt by it but have recently been able to let go of my anger towards them, so I’m most likely able to forgive them I just don’t want to give them the impression that what they did was ok.
Mae:
Thank you for reading this blog and leaving a comment about your situation. Again, forgiveness frees YOU from the bondage of bitterness that happens when you refuse to forgive. Your forgiveness does not free them from their offense or make their offense acceptable to you or to God. By forgiving them, you also don’t have an obligation to be friends with them again. My advice is be kind to them, but keep your distance. People who gossip are toxic and we don’t need the drama of their sin and its effect on our lives. Just because we forgive them in our hearts (because we love God and recognize that He he has forgiven us), we don’t have to feel that we have become tolerant of their offenses. We have simply let it go and moved on and we must be wise about who we let near our hearts and who we trust again. I would suggest you pray for them, as it will soften your heart toward them and help you to pity them and their ways, rather than wonder if they’re ever going to see their wrong. Many blessings to you, my friend, as you cultivate a heart that forgives.
Dear Cindi,
I have enjoyed reading about forgiveness and need some advice. My sister in law lied, used and hurt my husband and I two years ago. She has continued to lie and emotionally abuse my in laws for the past two years. My husband and I have not had a reltionship with her, but have had to see her at the occasional family gatherings. She acts as if nothing is wrong and has never apologized. She is now pregnant to an abusive drug addict and I am getting pressure from other family members to go to her shower and have her back in my life. I have forgiven her, but I do not want her to be apart of my families life until she takes responsibility for her actions and changes her behavior. I fear for my children getting hurt by letting her back in our life. My husband and I agree on the situation, but with the pressure of the other family members I am questioning our decision.
Sarah: Your first obligation is to God. Do you feel the Holy Spirit prodding you to become a part of this woman’s life again? If not, then hold to the boundaries you have set. Next in priority to your relationship with God, is your relationship and oneness with your husband. Since you and your husband have both agreed to the boundaries you have set, I would suggest letting other family members know that your decision to not be a part of your sister-in-law’s life is not based on bitterness, or unforgiveness but a desire to have unity with your husband and remain a healthy distance from a relationship you and your husband agree is toxic. It might not be a “popular” decision among your family members but if you are convicted to not “turn a blind eye” to this woman’s continued behavior, then stand firm. Also, if you know clearly in your heart that your decision is right before God (out of a desire to protect your children and be in agreement with your husband) then don’t allow others to make you question that decision. In my life I try to keep a soft, surrendered heart before God, that way I know my resolve in a matter is from a deep conviction from His Holy Spirit, not a heart of bitterness or anger. Thank you for your comment and question. I know it’s something many struggle with.
Hi Cindi!
I’m a little heartbroken when I read people may forgive but it is not necessary to reconcile relationships. I’ve had on-going issues with some girls for two-three years, but we used to be very close. They were the first group of close girl friends i had, and they helped to make me feel more at home at my new church. Over time, I felt a few of the girls were quite gossip-y and sensitive and I found it difficult to talk to them deeply about spirituality. One of the girls (whose brother I am now dating) held a grudge against a mutual friend who she was friends with for thirteen years; they started to ignore each other around the time I formed close bonds with her and the group of girls.
As time went by, I unintentionally offended four of the five girls (to this day I’m not sure of exact reasons; to those that have expressed to me reasons, one girl said the things I said reminded her of what her birth dad, and another girl was deeply offended when I told them I struggled to be myself around them), and it lead to me being excluded in more activities. I vented a lot to other friends outside the circle in this season, as I had moved to lead in another cell group and were forming bonds with other people. One of the people I vented to told one of the girls, so yet another one of them became offended at me and it seems to have rubbed my potential sister-in-law wrongly and made reconciliation with her and the other girl almost impossible. They began to treat me very coldly and at times ignore me. They were not open to meet up face to face to talk about the topic. When I apologised to one of the girls in person the night before our conference opening night, she said ‘to not worry and just focus on what I had to do’ (I’m on the band). This lead me to believe she had forgiven me but a year went by and she still treated me coldly or avoided me at church.
From day to day, I still feel greatly hurt as I feel ‘abandoned’ by these group of friends who I thought wouldn’t abandon me let alone treat me like this over personality clashes or mistakes. My senior leaders have told me that such friendships that crumble after such offences are not healthy, and furthermore, I have been ignored and treated unkindly at certain seasons by some of the girls. At present, I am on good terms with three but two of them still ignore me unless they have to interact with me (one of them being my potential sister-in-law).
My potential sister-in-law revealed in a fight to her family recently that she caught me stalking her because she saw I watched her public stories on instagram. Her entire family and myself are confused as to why this is an issue… How do I completely erase myself out of her life…? Her bitterness towards me over the years has become an issue between her and her family. To this day her and the other girl do not talk to me unless they have to. My potential sister-in-law has expressed to her brother, my boyfriend, that she cannot give me the closure I want.
Despite everything, I feel a lack of peace that these relationships have not worked out and that I am not close with these girls anymore. They honestly mean a lot to me and had no idea many of them would come to disdain me so much…
I think I struggle most because I find it hard to accept that people have the right to choose their friendships. A huge of part of me does not want to accept that they are justified to not want my friendship on the grounds of my offences to them… But why is it in the recesses of my soul I feel how they have chosen to treat me have not been right? That they are not justified to not be open to a chance to be friends again?
Are the people that have told me that this is their problem incorrect? Is there no problem at all and these girls are truly justified in not wanting to have friendship with me again?
Seeking clarity,
Z
Z, I’m so sorry for the way your friends have hurt you. I know that must be painful and a constant reminder of a sense of rejection when you are near them. Apparently there is unforgiveness on their part as they continue to “shun” you. To truly forgive someone is to no longer define that person by her offense or expect her to make up for it in some way. It sounds like your friends are behaving in an unforgiving and resentful manner toward you. However, seeking the answer in who is “justified” is a dead-end trail. That is something you need to bring before God, knowing He sees your heart and the hearts of those women who once called themselves your friends. God is the One who justifies. He is the One who convicts hearts. He is the One who will sort it out in the end. The reality of life is that we cannot control another’s actions, perceptions and attitudes toward us. We cannot make them be our friends, make them forgive and forget, or make them behave appropriately. I’ve learned through the past 15 years that some friendships are for a “season” and that’s okay, because sometimes people move in to a season of different priorities, different stages in life, difficult circumstances, or even growth or digression in their faith. All of those factors can cause friends to become distant even when there isn’t an “incident” to deal with and forgive and reconcile. There are also “necessary endings” in life. We can tend to want to hold onto everything and want every relationship to be as it once was but some relationships need to come to an end when they are unhealthy, toxic, or when people’s attitudes and priorities change drastically. That is not a “justification” for the end of a relationship. It is simply reality. (For instance, a reconciliation and continued relationship is not necessary when the relationship is toxic and it is possible you will continue to be hurt and treated in an unhealthy manner by the other person.) Z, when you and I find our self worth in Christ and we realize He is the Only One whose opinion of us truly matters, we can be at peace in situations when someone else still believes something false about us or misunderstands us or refuses to forgive us. I encourage you to focus on your relationship with Christ and release those relationships that are not working the way you would like them to. Pray for those who are “persecuting” you, in a sense, and your heart will change toward them and it’s possible their heart will change toward you, as well. You can only do so much and then leave the rest in God’s hands and trust He will either allow complete restoration or bring another friend(s) into your life who will love you like Jesus does. As for family drama, you and I choose what we will let affect us. I highly recommend that you read my book, Drama Free, because it will give you practical ways to diffuse the drama others bring into your life or refrain from escalating it through your own emotional actions and reactions. I know relationships can be painful, but we don’t have to be in bondage to them and continue to be harassed by the drama.