Why do you and I sometimes compare ourselves to others?

Is it personal affirmation we are looking for? Do we believe we will feel less lonely  and more capable if we determine we are better at something than someone else?

If you’re like me, you don’t intentionally play the comparison game. It just happens—sometimes when you least expect it. Before you know it, you’ve sized yourself up, measured someone else by your own standards, or concluded—after observation and very few facts—that you’re inferior or superior to someone else.

You and I tend to compare ourselves to others out of our insecurities. We hope to feel better about ourselves if we end up ahead. We also compare because of our competitive or perfectionist nature—we may have the desire to be right, perfect, or just better than another.  But comparison rarely leads to humility, which pleases God and saves us the stress of constantly running our measuring stick over others in front of us.

As we continually compare ourselves to other women or  moms, we are forgetting one basic truth: God has made us exactly as He desired and Scripture tells us He makes no mistakes. And our personal affirmation comes from Him and what He’s already told us in His Word.  If you’re finding yourself lacking in some way, I’m pretty sure it’s because God wants you to find your completeness in Him.

Here are four ways to stop comparing yourself to others and find peace and contentment in how God has designed you:

1. Remember that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 18:30 tells us God’s ways are “perfect” and Psalm 139:14 tells us that we are “fearfully and wonderfully made.” Therefore, you are God’s unique creation. As you surrender your heart and will to Him, He can mold you and transform you into exactly what He wants you to be. So, when you begin to feel inadequate and feel the temptation to compare, quietly whisper a prayer of thanks to God for making you the unique way that you are.
2. Realize we all have different strengths and weaknesses. I once heard my father jokingly say to someone “There will always be someone thinner, richer, and better looking, so we better used to it.” I realize now that his advice is true. No matter how hard you and I try, another person will always be better at something than we are. So when we start feeling the need to compare, we must recognize our opportunity to practice humility. This, too, can come through a simple prayer; Thank You, Heavenly Father, that in my weakness, You are strong (2 Corinthians 12:9-10), and in my lack, You are enough. Help me rely on You and Your strength, rather than seek out someone who appears weaker than me to make myself feel stronger.
3. Resort to compliments over comparison. When you notice a mom who is able to manage her many kids in public better than you can manage your one or two, don’t start thinking of the many reasons she’s probably able to do that (she doesn’t work, she’s the nanny not the mom, she’s rich and has help whenever she needs it, she has a husband who dotes on her, and so on). Instead, compliment her on it. I once saw a woman in a store wearing the same top I had only she looked better in it. She was shorter, thinner, and younger. Rather than dwell on that (and begin to dislike her for it) I quickly said “I have that same top, but you look so much nicer in it.” The sincere smile on my face killed the self pity that could’ve arisen in my heart that I’m not younger, thinner, or more able to rock that top. Complimenting others outwardly keeps us from complaining inwardly and cultivating a critical spirit.
4. Rely on God’s opinion of you, rather than the opinions of others. Our own insecurities can cause us to compare ourselves to others, in search of a way to feel better about ourselves. But what if you and I relied on God’s opinion of us before we had a chance to listen to others’ opinions or those of our internal critic. If someone is awarding a mom who hasn’t done half as much as you’ve done for your child’s classroom or sports team, quietly thank God that He sees your heart and actions and He knows the real story. If another woman is bragging about her abilities on the job, don’t go there in starting to compare hers with yours. Instead, quietly whisper a prayer: “This doesn’t matter, God. Help me to be content with Your evaluation of me over anything else.” Sometimes we have to tell ourselves what to think in order to keep our minds from going in the wrong direction. Not only are you and I fearfully and wonderfully made, but when we are in Christ, He sees us as perfect in Christ. That means we have God’s measuring stick, not our own or that of others to live by.

It is a beautiful thing to go to God alone for our affirmation and realize we are loved beyond reason. That stills the competitive nature in us and reminds us of the blessing we have in Christ. So walk tall, my friend. You are wonderfully and uniquely designed, and when it comes to how God sees you, no one else can even compare!

For help on how to connect (rather than compare yourself) with others, see my books, The New Loneliness and The New Loneliness Devotional.