Do you ever feel like your pastor is blowing you off?
Maybe you just feel like he doesn’t greet you or treat you as you expected.
That was the case with “Anne” who emailed me her question: “What should I do if I think my pastor doesn’t like me?”
Anne says she often has an “overwhelming feeling whenever my pastor greets me that he’s pasting on a smile. I can sometimes see him dig deep for it, too. Ive seen him turn away in hopes there was someone else to speak to and then, finding no one else, dig deep for that fake smile and turn back to me. It hurts.”
I ran Anne’s dilemma by my husband, a former pastor of 20 years, and he had some great insights that can help us understand pastors and how to better deal with the situation if you feel your pastor is blowing you off.
First, here are some questions to ask yourself:
- Have you had a less than positive interaction with your pastor in the past? If so, it’s possible he’s being cautious. No one likes confrontation or the idea that they have disappointed someone. He may be a pastor, but he’s still human.
- Are you at a large church where your pastor is a little far removed from most of his congregation? Wanting a small-church feel from your large church pastor might not be realistic. On the other hand, if it’s a small church, he may have quite a lot on his mind each time you approach him.
- Could it be a timing issue rather than a personal one? If you are experiencing a less than enthusiastic reaction from your pastor when you arrive at church it could be that you are approaching him at a difficult time. Many pastors have much on their minds on a Sunday morning. They are thinking about the sermon they are about to deliver, whether or not the tech will work for their visual aids, wondering if everyone is in their places so they can start on time, and perhaps even wondering if the person who contacted them during the week will still have a problem or suggestion that morning that they are not able to deal with at the moment. While a pastor should focus on his people as they are arriving, he may be under pressure to focus on a lot of other things, too. That’s not necessarily his fault.
My husband offered this advice if you still feel your pastor is blowing you off:
- Lower Your Expectations and Extend Grace. You have one senior pastor to how many people in the congregation? He will never be able to meet all the expectations of all the people in the congregation. Today, we expect our senior pastor to be a great visionary and CEO, yet a great detail person, too, who can get things done. We also expect him to be a people person who will take time to hold our hand, pray for us, and be genuinely empathetic to our feelings no matter what issues are pressing in on him. We pretty much expect our pastor to be a jack-of-all trades and most likely he is not. He’s simply a man called by God to shepherd a flock and do a whole lot more that his board of elders or deacons or congregation expects of him.
- Seek to Encourage Him, Rather than Be Encouraged. It is in our human nature for us to enter church with the expectation of how we will be greeted, treated, and spiritually fed. But when you enter the doors of your church with the aim of encouraging your pastor and others, rather than being encouraged yourself, it will bring joy to your heart and his. I promise you it will go a long way in improving whatever is going on there.
Hebrews 10:24 tells us:
And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works….
That applies to our encouragement of our pastors, too. Here’s a tangible way to do that.
The next time you come in to church hand your pastor a brief hand-written note of encouragement. As you hand it to him, say” “This is some encouragement for you today.” (That will take your pastor off of the defensive if he’s used to being handed notes of complaints, suggestions, or something he isn’t able to deal with at the moment).
In your note, write something to the effect of:
Pastor, just wanted you to know I’m praying for you this morning that the Lord will empower you to preach in the power of the Holy Spirit and refresh your heart as you refresh ours.”
If you do that, chances are he will respond differently the next time he sees you. Why? Encouragement is in short supply these days for a pastor.
How have you broken through to a pastor you felt was keeping you at arm’s length? My readers and I would love to hear it in the comment section below.
This was very helpful, good insight Cindi. I’m in a “new” church after leaving my former much loved church and pastor to find a church closer to home. This at God’s leading, but even so it was a tough process. My former church was a small one and the pastor had time for each person, treating each of us as very special. He had the gift of hospitality in a big way!
When I came to this new church there was an interim, and I realize now that he reminded me a great deal of my former pastor. This new church was the 4th I’d tried after following God’s leading to find a church closer to home, and I’d been so down at not finding the right new church more quickly after obeying His leading. From the day I walked in the door I felt at home and within 9 months I joined this new church – also a small church, although a larger congregation than my former church. We called our new pastor at the beginning of the next year and I was happy to get to be a part of that with my new church family.
Over the past couple of years I’ve begun to realize that this new pastor, while he is gifted in many ways and well loved by many, is not gifted in hospitality. After two pastors (and I’d only had experience with three before coming to this new church) with that gift I must have I assumed all pastors had the gift of making a person feel wanted, comfortable, appreciated and welcome.
I am single and an introvert, quiet, still a little unsure of where I fit in this new church even after 3 years . Questioning if this is really where God wants me to be. I’ve been falling prey to comparison lately, unfairly comparing my current pastor to my former. I miss my former pastor’s big smile of welcome, the genuine hug of friendship, his true compassion and understanding over extended family difficulties, the invites to dinner – his friendship and that of his wife and family. I realize how that in lieu of a husband to model Christ’s love my former pastor did that in my life.
And I expected that all pastors would do that for me. I’ve been very lonely in this new church even though people in the congregation have reached out to me in friendship. Since the pastor hasn’t responded to me as my last pastor did I’ve been so afraid it’s because of something wrong with me – something he sees that my former pastor didn’t. Because of this I’ve pulled back from everyone and I battle over attending church each Sunday, glad for any excuse not to go, and thinking very seriously about looking again for a new church home.
This blog post has been very good in helping me see that I can’t expect my new pastor to be something and someone he isn’t. I’ll try some of your suggestions and see if things don’t improve because this new church is where God wants me to be at this time of my life, I know that is true when I allow myself to get past, well MYSELF!!
Thank you Cindi, I always learn something from your posts and look forward to them. God bless you and your ministry.
Thank you, Sue, for your comment. I appreciate your desire to be obedient to God in staying at a place where He has clearly called you. Thanks for reading my blog, too. Blessings.
Not sure if this post is too old, but here it goes: what would you say to a pastor of a congregation of Approx 200 and after attending for a year the pastor has never asked me or my husband our names? The pastor makes a brief congregational walk thru 5 minutes before the service like a prize fighter going into the ring, then after the service it’s like, “Elvis has left the building”… My husband sustained a spinal cord injury as a police officer 15 years ago and the struggles we have just with everyday life are substantial. This pastor is “new” as a pastor to this church, but was a pastor for almost 20 years prior to “transferring” to our church. I don’t see many people really knowing this pastor, we have stopped attending and have visited a few other local churches. I half heartedly thought this pastor would maybe leave the 99 to at least ask a friend who can ask a friend, but I don’t think that’s done anymore…
Jody, I’m so sorry that you and your husband have literally been ignored by the pastor of your church. A church of 200 is not too big for the pastor to be out of touch with people who attend his church. Regrettably some pastors forget that the very title”pastor” is interchangeable with the titles “elder” and “shepherd” and their primary role is to shepherd/care for their sheep. You didn’t mention if an associate pastor or anyone else in the church reached out to you and your husband during the year that you attended there. I do hope someone did…a church is a place where we are to connect with, encourage and support one another. My prayer is that you and your husband will find a church that preaches the Word of God, but also makes you feel like you are part of their family. Remember, in any church, the senior pastor is just a man…and a man who has faults and weaknesses and makes mistakes, too. Don’t have higher expectations on him than you do on others. Seek Jesus to minister to you first, but to also place you in a church where you can be ministered to by others, as well. Thanks for writing.
There is much wisdom here, and on a topic not often discussed. Thank you. I would add that if after you’ve done all of these things you still wonder if your pastor is blowing you off, pay attention to your hunch. Maybe there really is something going on behind the scenes. I am aware of one church’s experiences with two different pastors involved in extra-marital affairs. Each pastor was uncomfortable around certain members of the congregation who sensed something was wrong, and basically “blew them off.” It just makes sense to be aware. Proceed with caution and grace, but be aware, for the sake of your pastor, the congregation, and the health of your church.
Thank you, Carol, for you input. I agree. Pastors are not infallible. And, like you said, we need to be discerning, as well.
Very true..
I thought about this same concern.. but there could also be the issue that, like you mentioned, pastors are human beings.. and male human beings. Some are cautious with certain women.. their caution may be due to their own feelings or their caution could be due to the wisdom of propriety– for the sake of “false appearances” As said in scripture, some people feel it is wise to not be too friendly with the opposite sex.. respectful yes, but cautious in friendliness.. I feel a pastor who is gifted with people understands this and yet is still very able to treat women with kindness whilst keeping the boundaries.. bc, let’s be honest, not all Christian women are wholesome intended around pastors and our husbands… I’m saying that pastors have to be cautious yet friendly and respectful while withholding wise boundaries between them and women.. our pastor is very wise to this. He makes sure he never speaks one on one with a women unless another female or husband is present.. I deeply appreciate his wisdom in this area…
However, my pastor does ha e a hard time with discernment.
He has endorsed leaders in Bible study and music worship that do not have fruit-filles lives.. Some are emotionally unstable, others are rude and have favoritism. Every thing we know to be true in scriptures seems to be flipped at my church. Leaders are allowed to teach Bible study that have very dysfunctional lives, music leaders endorse hard hearted vocalists…
No female is allowed to hold a leadership position of any kind..
If a family is confident in the Lord, happy and has raised a healthy home of children, and the fruit of the Lord’s power is seen in them, the leaders at my church dismiss us.. as they give energy to and build up, encourage, and endorse those that have “meaningful testimonies” such as broken marriages, drug abusers, incarcerated people, etc.. and truly, the only way they let you in is if you take part in helping with their children ministry.. they have over 50 kids and most of the help are not the parents of those children! They don’t ask the parents ”
“because they don’t want to push them away”, but they get very unhappy towards people who aren’t the parents but are members who choose not to volunteer… it has been very challenging for me and my family to attend this church. Time and time again our pastor and the music leaders has shown me and my husband dismissal and rejection. We have gifts they are not interested in, nor interested in supporting or encouraging.. yet the support and encourage very dysfunctional people.. it’s very odd to us.. I love all if God’s people.. but I feel that someone like me and my family’s love and honor for God is just as precious as someone who is in drugs or came from a drug background, broken marriage, etc.
This church treats us like we are mutants.. yet they tend to the others like their precious.. and they are! But all God’s people are too
Faith, thank you for your wisdom and understanding about what pastors go through when it comes to dealing with single women or women in general. I’m sorry however that you are experiencing what you are there at your church. I remember feeling when I was young that my testimony was inadequate because I hadn’t spent years in drugs or hadn’t been pulled out of the pit. And yet I understand today that a walk with God and a lifetime of honoring Him is precious to the Lord as well and it’s unfortunate that those kind of testimonies don’t get the spotlight more often in churches today.
Carrol, I appreciate your comment because you’re open yo the possibility that it could be the pastor and what she’s feeling could be real and not her fault at all. I’m in that same situation and I’ve done nothing wrong and “respect of person ” is always present. No matter how I try it just gets worse. Thank you for not blowing her off also.
Great subject Cindi! LOVE the note idea! I used to encourage a Pastor from my past verbally at church and with a phone call. But I like the note better. It is tangible and can be kept and enjoyed again and again. Thanks!
I have ask to meet with my pastor several times he replies on getting back with me.But never do.I’m trying to grow gain strength in my faith as a new Christian. Approximately 5 years ago I joined this church reach out to other sisters and brother’s no relationship in\out of church.I feel rejected not include.Spiritually I pray for others ,ask what ways contribute as a church member. Tried the choir,again most of the time wasn’t included.The church is small now days I don’t say to much we meet greet smile and I go home.We taught to have Grace,but I’m confused Christian I pray daily living the best I can ,apologize ask for forgiveness my shortcomings.I should be doing much more for the church body.Im not complaining murmuring. I don’t want to neglect that gift in me. Thank you for listening…
thank you for sharing your heart, Leelee. Apparently many people feel hurt and not included in the church body and sadly, others fail to notice. I would suggest you try going to a woman in the church — perhaps the women’s ministry director? — and ask if you can be discipled or get into a ladies’ Bible study. That is the best way to grow, in community, and to make friends and feel you are a part of the church body. (That would most likely be what your pastor would suggest once he met with you…and this would save him a step. Besides, it’s sometimes awkward for pastors to meet alone with women. A wise pastor keeps boundaries around situations like that to protect themselves and anything that might not look right. I’m not implying anything about you, just stating the facts.) Please let me know if you end up getting involved in a small group Bible study and how that turns out. I do care.
“A wise pastor keeps boundaries around situations like that to protect themselves and anything that might not look right.”— I struggle with this as I am a single, divorced woman in the church. All I want is to be a whole member of the church, known, welcomed…etc. Yet, because I am single and divorced, I feel my pastor keeps me at a distance and perhaps sees me as an “awkward situation” rather than simply a sister in Christ.. which is all I want. I’ve witnessed him go from gregarious big hellos and pats on the back to a quick, dismissive hello when he greets me. He takes special care to say a big hello to my son which makes him feel very good and I appreciate that. I do appreciate your insight and I am taking your advice to heart. I will pray for my pastor. Do you have any advice for single divorced women in the church who feel more like women wearing scarlet letters than members of the church?
Lisa, Thank you for sharing your heart on this matter. Your concern is legitimate and it is not the first time I’ve heard from a single and/or divorced woman who feels “put off” by her pastor. I will pray about how to write a sensitive and informative article like this for pastors, as I have several venues in which I can do so. In the meantime, you may find hope and encouragement in my book, When Women Walk Alone. And thank you, again, for bringing this concern to my attention.
The pastor might be keeping himself out of hot water with his wife by being short with you. so its not him, its not you, its his wife. if i say more than “HI” to a single lady in church and she happens to be attractive looking, then i hear about it when conflict arises at home, even if it has nothing to do with issue of conflict. if the lady is an elder or if shes considered unattractive, then my wife doesnt mind.
Tracy
I find excuses don’t solve any problems
A pastor is to Lead his Sheep
Not avoid and hide
If your unhappy with the pastors ways
Then leave and find a friendly Pastor that encourages and Supports your Growth in the Ministry
Thanks for caring CINDI the pastor is wise and I ask to meet with both.(wife)I also reached out to her in the past .No women’s ministry ,ladies bible study only church group bible study weekly .I have visited other churches in the past that have the above groups. I express early that tried to communicate gain a relationship in\out church.God’s will be bless…..
I have read your comments and I feel your longing our experience and church setting seem to mirror one another. I have been in church (80 members) for 4 1/2 years, and I’m still a pew warmer (not by choice) and I, like you seem to have my pastor purposely avoid greeting me. I feel horrible about it because I feel as though he’s almost a stumbling block for me and other times I feel as though maybe the Lord is trying to teach me something through this experience. I would love to know of your progress since your posted your comment.
Great article! I came across this article because I struggle with feeling rejected by my Pastor. A lot of this I feel comes from being rejected by my dad. He was in the home, but never once showed me any form of affection. I feel to keep from being hurt, I put the walls up. My Pastor is aware of me seeing him in a fatherly image. I so badly want him to accept me, but at the same time avoid him for fear of being hurt. I know he’s not my dad & can’t replace my dad. But he is a caring shepherd.
Thanks for your comments, Renee. I’m sure your pastor is just trying to keep appropriate boundaries. He probably understands you more than you think. You might want to check out my book, Letting God Meet Your Emotional Needs. In there, I talk about the many ways God can make up for what we never experienced with our fathers. I think it will help you look to God instead of your pastor or anyone else, for that filling that only God can give. Blessings to you.
Thank you so much! This is something I have struggled with for years. I’m 45 years old, and wanting a daddy’s embrace. I know there are boundaries, which is why I feel so awkward around my Pastor. I know he can’t give me the affection I want. I just wish I could physically feel Gods love. I will definitely check out your book! Thank you!
Thank you for the article. I am going through something similar. I have a female pastor. We just started attending a few months ago. I always feel like she doesn’t like me at all. She doesn’t even say hi to me. I have had 2 dreams of her where her heart is harbouring bitterness and I felt strongly to meet with her to clear the air. I messaged her and asked if she would be free to get together for coffee in the next couple weeks. She “saw” my message but won’t bother to respond. How can I proceed with this? Does God perhaps not want me to meet with her and just pray for her instead? In the meantime it’s unnerving to be around her at church.
HI Roxanne: Thank you for reading my blog and responding with a comment. I wouldn’t put too much stock in a dream…that could be your subconscious thoughts coming into play and creating something that isn’t really there. Biblically, if your pastor has something against you it is her obligation to come to you and clear it up. My suggestion is that you take the advice in the article and write her a nice note, telling her you are praying for her (nothing more) and hand deliver it with a smile. Seriously, as you pray for her, and all that she may be going through in her role as a pastor, your heart toward her will most likely change and your suspicions or feelings of uneasiness around her may dissolve into love, grace, and understanding toward her. A woman (and a pastor, nonetheless) who doesn’t take time to say “hi” to someone or respond when someone reaches out is most likely a wounded woman. Perhaps she is carrying quite a heavy load there at your church and it comes across as her being aloof, when maybe she’s just burdened. Prayer always softens our hearts…and the hearts of others…so yes, pray for her. And leave this one in God’s hands. We as women can tend to create situations in our minds that someone is upset at us when they simply aren’t being as friendly as we had hoped or assumed. And in that case, your prayers for her will strengthen you, as well.
Thank you so much for your article. I too, feel like my pastor doesn’t care for me. I have been on the leadership board for years and recently resigned. I resigned after pastor made comment about needing younger people to get involved and be part of leadership in church. The pastor never visits with me, when I approach him, he darts off in the other direction. Several members have said that he talks negatively about people. I have heard him when he is angry with someone. I feel like I need to visit with him, but cannot trust him not to talk to others about me. I have given this burden to God and I trust Him to take care of situation. Thank you for your comment.
Thank you, Debra, for sharing this burden on your heart. I’m pleased that you’ve taken it to the Lord and I am praying for you today and for your church leadership and for your pastor, for whatever he is dealing with that is causing him to be this way toward you and others. When we begin to exalt pastors, we quickly find they are humans, in need of a Savior, just like all of us. Thanks for sharing your heart.
This is very helpful, especially because it’s a subject that in most times is left without discussion. God bless you CINDI for this article it is helping me.
I wish to wake up to a positive change in my life, I have been rejected and isolated for 3years now to a point whereby I would feel like I am loosing my way. Before me others are addressed in a loving manner whereas when it comes to me, not even a bit of tolerance do they have. It’s so hard and heart breaking , I do almost everything to the best of my ability in the house of God but all goes unnoticed. At one point I felt like I am a demon of some sort because of the treatment I received from the parents who once loved and trusted me.
Please pray with me
Thank you, Priscilla, for your comment. I’m sorry you are still feeling unaccepted and unnoticed. My prayer for you today is that God will wrap you in His arms and show you that your affirmation, validation, and acceptance comes from who you are in HIS eyes. “Lord, help Priscilla to see that she is a beloved daughter of the king and who she is in YOUR eyes is all that truly matters. Help her to seek Your approval alone and fill her with the strength, peace, and joy that comes through an intimate relationship with You. Please bring a friend alongside her at her church who will help her keep her focus on You and yet be an encouragement to her when she feels alone. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”
Amen , Thank you so much CINDI. Am truly grateful.. God grow you in a dynamic way and bless you in all areas of your life
You’re welcome, Priscilla. And thank you for your kind words.
What does it mean if you contacted a pastor to see if you could help serve with outreaches, any area of ministry, or helping out and just wanting to come and encourage or help organize etc , and a pastor (that you dont know) says he’s too busy to help you plan a new project, but youre not planning a new project you’re wanting to alleviate some of his load of activities by coming to their area and helping out becuase you feel called to, or God has put this on your heart and you have a longing or burden for the country, and he still says no, its just that we “do relational evangelism” , which maybe I could do bc lots of people speak English there … so anyway, main question, why would a pastor blow me off if Im offering to come serve and help for a month? Any thoughts, ? Its a real bummer to me, so now Im looking into another part of that country (would rather not mention it, to be anonymous here)
I think your question would best be asked of that particular pastor. But since you asked my thoughts, I really believe he might just want to be careful about letting someone he doesn’t know come and serve. In the churches where my husband has been the senior pastor, he had a policy of not placing anyone in leadership unless they were trained and committed to the church (through membership, accountabilty, etc.). In the case of service, he was also careful, just as a means of protecting his flock. He saw too many people swing in, want to “do something,” and then fly the coop as quickly as they came. So, although churches are often looking for people to serve, a wise pastor will be cautious in whom he allows to serve in certain areas out of a protection of the people God has put in His care. The pastor you are dealing with may get many requests from people he doesn’t know and feel he doesn’t have the time to oversee or check you out first and so it’s easier to just say “no, I can’t help you plan a new project” or “we do relational evangelism” rather than whatever you might have had in mind. A wise pastor will also want to check out one’s theology, track record, and references before allowing someone he doesn’t know to come in and possibly influence, or impact His church. Those are my honest thoughts. All of that to say, it’s most likely not personal.
It’s probably more of a pastor’s way of being cautious. I hope that helps.
Thank you for your words of wisdom, Cindi! It is comforting to know others have dealt with these things before. I have a history of idolizing and being overly critical of my pastor (interesting how both can co-exist in the same heart!) Even though I have repented of this, I fear that I may have done irreparable damage to the relationship. I am a single woman, and I know that leaves me in an awkward position, I asked him how I can encourage him rightly, and he said he doesn’t need my encouragement, which is hard to take because people have told me I have a gift of helps. I must remember that I am not serving to please man but to please God. I so much want things to go back to how they were before I put my pastor on a pedestal, but no matter what I do, it seems out of reach. I told him that I honestly wonder if it would be best for him if I went elsewhere, and he said no, he doesn’t think I need to do that…in a real sense I am glad he said that, but in another, it sounded so matter-of-fact. In God’s providence, I have an upcoming opportunity to encourage my pastor with the rest of my church, and I am wondering what the Lord would have me write. Part of me is hesitant to say anything because of his discomfort in the past, and another part of me is thinking this might be a healing moment. I really do not know what to do yet, but I do know that God promises us wisdom whenever we ask!
I would keep it casual, yet sincere. He is probably on guard simply because you are single and, he is just trying to be careful and conduct himself above reproach. You aren’t the first single woman to tell me that your pastor keeps a safe distance. 🙂
I read your post and I hate to say it, but 99% of it does not apply to this situation. I am not talking about sunday mornings for example. I am one of a surprising few people that know a job in the clergy is FULL TIME WORK 6, sometimes 7 days a week. I am not talking about isolated situations where the pastor for whatever reason didn’t deliver. There have been NUMEROUS times when I needed to talk to the pastor, about something pretty important. In fact, there have been times where I had a scheduled meeting with him, and he stood me up. No call no show. NO, I do not belong to a big church either. My faith dangles on a thin and weak string. Honestly I am of the mindset where I don’t need this. My relationship with God before joining this church, well lets just say that it was not hunky dorry. That’s putting it charitably. In truth, I was a Satanist. I let myself be influenced to come back to Christ, and at the time I THOUGHT I had made my pastor aware of this as at no time did I conceal or omit any info about my anger with God and the fact that I did things out of shear defiance to convey that anger to God. Yet in my open minded nature, I went back to church. I am sorry I did now. YES, there were times the pastor was there. But it seems like when I am really in a bad way, hes coaching basket ball. Hes on vacation out of town THREE OR FOUR TIMES A YEAR! I have left texts, emails and phone messages that have NEVER been answered, months later. I finally see him, and he says NOTHING about my concerns. I think I get the message, and know what I must do.
I am so sorry you’ve had a bad experience with a pastor who has clearly been negligent. There is never an excuse for anyone (pastor or not) to stand someone up and not follow up with an apology or explanation and desire to reschedule. It saddens me that you’ve had a disappointing experience with a pastor in this way. However, it also saddens me that you are letting the actions of a person determine what you think about God. We are ALL sinners, and therefore imperfect and many times just plain messed up. Those of us who have repented and called upon Jesus Christ for our forgiveness are still saved by God’s grace ALONE, and by no merit on our part. It’s true there are some pretty poor representatives out there of who God is, (myself included, at times),and none of us can perfectly represent the love, faithfulness, goodness, wisdom, and perfection of the Lord Jesus Christ. Pastors are people who are accountable to God for how they shepherd His flock. A wise pastor doesn’t take that lightly. And a wise person, believer or unbeliever, will not base his impression of God on the actions of people. The only perfect and worthy representation of God was Jesus Christ, who walked this earth blamelessly and showed us what complete obedience and surrender to God looked like, right up to His death on a cross. If any of us, pastors or not, were that good at representing God we wouldn’t have needed a Savior. Yet we are all, as I mentioned, sinners saved by grace. I don’t say that to excuse our actions, but to explain the erroneous conclusion that the way a church or pastor or Christian in general operates is the way God is. I do hope you will look beyond the disappointing things you have seen and experienced from followers of Christ and see God for who His Word says He is. Satan is a liar and he will deceive us and make us believe that we should look to people for a proper image of the Everlasting God. And then Satan laughs when we see disappointing, and erroneous examples of who God is through people who claim to follow Him. But truth is found in the person and character of Christ, as seen in the Bible. I hope you will direct your gaze toward Jesus. Otherwise, honestly, you’ll be disappointed every time.
I have been attending what i call my church for more than a year and my Pastor has never had more to say than hi or how are you. I attend alot of things at church, casual and formal. I notice he has regular talks with others but not with me even if the opportunity is apparent. I have encouraged him in a number of ways, notes, cards, gift cards etc. i email him and thank him for a sermon and comment about how wonderful his ministry is. Without question he avoids conversation with me. I have no idea what might have caused this feeling. Not making this up. I am probably going to leave and will write a letter and thank him for all the spiritual growth i have recieved. I simply hurt to much to stay. I am afraid i might say something to a member and that would not be good. Just can’t understand a Pastir doing this. Thanks.
Peter, thank you for taking the time to write out your concern. The advice I’m giving you, I’ve given to many others, as well and that is to not expect so much, personally, from your pastor. He is just a man. He will disappoint, like anyone will, if we hold him up on a pedestal and believe that to be “friends” with him will make us feel closer to God, closer to him or the church, and so on. Keep your eyes on Christ and serving others. That is why we attend a church…not for what the pastor or others will do for us, but for how we can connect with the body of Christ to use our gifts, serve one another, and glorify God. God is not glorified when we (and I include myself and many American Christians in this statement) look at church or our pastor for how they can meet OUR needs. Following Christ is about picking up our cross, dying to ourselves (and our needs and desires) and unconditionally loving and serving others. I hope this helps to encourage you and keep your focus.
I recently lost my father and wanted to talk to my pastor. He kept saying he is very busy and everyone keeps wanting something from him. He cannot get away from the constant requests unless he leaves the city we are in. He talked only about himself and did not offer any prayer and did not want to listen to me or my concerns with my dad’s recent death. I felt he is too much into himself and his family to care for anyone else. I feel he does not care. He said he did me a favour by going to my dad’s funeral because he was on vacation that day. My dad is not a member of my church so it was handled by someone else and my minister thought I was taken care of by my dad’s minister even though I have been going to my church for 23 years. I am so very disappointed in his lack of care and only taking about himself and his lack of time off even though he has been on two vacations in the last two months. Is this normal behaviour for a minister?
My stepson feels like he has been called in ministry. We have asked the pastor to meet with him and he did in the past and said he would start letting him read scriptures before service. That was a year ago and still nothing. Just recently we asked if he would meet with my stepson and his wife and they were told yes but they were extremely busy……2 weeks later still extremely busy. Also, when you text the pastor his wife seems to be the one with all the answers. I feel like our pastor is not be lead by God but rather by his wife. Would you remain in this church? We have attended for 8 years.
Ann: I’m sorry you’ve been disappointed with your pastor’s lack of follow through on what appeared to be a promise or a good intention. My answer to your question is: I would remain in a church until the Word of God is no longer preached or obeyed. I understand the actions of this pastor’s wife. There have been times (when my husband was a senior pastor) that he did not have the mental or emotional energy to respond to all that was requested of him and I stepped in to ease the misunderstandings of people or to assure them not to take it personally. To question whether your husband is being led by God by how he responds to your messages or requests is not fair. Trust the process that God is allowing. If God is calling your stepson to ministry then God will give him the opportunities in His perfect timing and give him the ability to talk to the pastor, himself, without having to have his mom monitor or help out at every turn. (And I say that graciously, not accusingly.) I know you want to see your stepson supported in his desire to be in ministry. But perhaps you can see that the ministry is also a heavy burden and one of the most valuable things your stepson can learn now is that pastors are often judged, misinterpreted and critiqued for many things OTHER than how they preach and run their church. And they are often overworked and judged for failing to follow-up on the many requests they receive. Please have your son talk with your pastor directly (I’m assuming he’s an adult by now) and let this be something you talk more to God about than your pastor or anyone else. With grace and understanding, for both you and your pastor’s family, Cindi.
last year,my pastor had two member stand before the church and confess to an affair(the male was a minister)and after their confession she(my pastor is female)asked if any congregational member knew about the affair-and when those that knew or heard about the affair raised their hands-she told them they were just as guilty as them for not speaking up to them about the affair-so that followed me with guilt because I was one of those that heard about it! just never knew at that time we could speak up on it. Two weeks ago(March 12th), I sadly found out the Pastors daughter was having an affair with the same minister in the church-and being I WAS friends with the Pastors daughter-I spoke up about the affair just informing her that I didn’t condone nor respect it and I thought it was wrong-especially,being she was friends with the wife like I am-she wrote me back a nice-nasty text and then I left it alone-because I thought it was my duty in boldness to speak on it!so that day in church-pastor usually greets me with a smile and small talk-this time she didn’t-instead,while a skit was occurring she sat with her back to me the whole time-and when she started preaching it was to defend her daughter-my mind was blown-This past Sunday(19th)-I had decided to just take a break from church d/t the fact,I was confused and just needed some time to think about what happened last Sunday and try not to find fault in my pastor-until I got a phone call from my sister telling me I needed to come to church-I asked her why?she said to defend myself-I then asked her from what?cause I THOUGHT what happened last Sunday was done-NOOOOOOO..Our Pastor did a whole Church call asking people what they knew about her daughter and The ministers affair-not so she can apologized or FIX IT!but to scrutinize and tear down anybody who voiced anything about it!namely-by throwing their past in their face-and she was discussing me and my text to her daughter that previous Sunday(mind you,her daughter nor the minister were present at church as Pastor was defending them-instead they were out of town with each other that Sunday)so I went and I defended myself and let her know her exact words that if we knew someone was doing wrong in the church and didn’t speak up-we were just as guilty as they were-she didn’t like that!and more exchanges were met-but I noticed she kept asking me why I wasn’t at church?and I told her the truth..because I didn’t want to come to church today(heck,the people your defending aint even here)and finally!she dismissed me from church-like I was a little kid and it crushed my spirit hard-but I left…and later that day.my sister came over to my house banging on my door and said I had to come back to church-because Pastor said if I don’t its on my sisters hand..and that made me even more angry….like how?like why are you cursing my sister for YOUR daughters sin?why are you putting this on my sisters hand-when your the PASTOR and your defending the act because its your daughter,instead of making them do the same thing you made the minister and other member do last year..my trust in pastors went from YES!to Unsurety…however-I remain rooted in GOD..but im taking a break from church…and now all the congregational members are acting distant from myself(who was very active)and my family(my mom and sister)they still graviatate towards my niece though…my soul been hurting evey since..like what are you telling me GOD?leave or stay..and right now…and right now..staying aint a option…
Chanel:
I am SO very sorry you have experienced such abuse in your church by the person who calls herself a pastor. The term “pastor” literally means “shepherd” and she is not shepherding the Lord’s flock. She is apparently abusing them for her own selfish gain. I wholeheartedly believe you need to not only take a break from that place that calls itself a church, but leave to find a church that is led by someone who is humble, obedient to God, and preaches the Word of God, not spouts personal agendas from the pulpit. Sadly, there are many pastors who are abusing their position of authority…the Bible calls them “wolves in sheep’s clothing.” I believe those who abuse their position of power (as it sounds like your pastor is doing) will not escape God’s judgment and wrath. Please steer clear of any pastor who abuses his or her power to manipulate the congregation. See Ezekiel 34:2-12 about God’s response to irresponsible and abusive shepherds.
Reading this blessed me but I have a question. My pastor is spirit led and his motto is “If it isn’t written in the Bible I don’t preach it.”Our church is thriving and is growing by the hundreds. However I feel and I’m not the only one our Pastor is very “clickish.” While he strives to do everything in excellence and you walk through our church doors it’s as if you’re in a concert with so much effects and ambiance. He creates an atmosphere but I feel like its all a fluff. While our church is gorgeous my Pastor lacks on attention. He prides himself alongside his wife that they are down to earth and love to fellowship with the congregation — “all you have to do is ask”. That statement can’t be further from the truth. When we have tried to fellowship with him to build a relationship with him we get blown off. His wife says oh I’ll check dates and get back to you. Ok right? Well recently she always says they are so busy but I’ve been hearing other couples who sporadically will get an invite to hang out or go over for dinner. What a surprise that it’s the same click he always turns to. My husband and i have built a strong relationship with the assistant pastors but its sad that the senior pastor is very cocky and at times can be full of himself. How do you approach him? He is very intimidating and always makes you feel bad. He claims that if he has wronged you he’ll fix it. Not true at all. We are new believers and started serving in ministry but this is weighing heavy on us. What do we do?
Marie, I’m sorry you feel blown off by your pastor and his wife. To be honest, I had to cringe when you used the word “clique.” I remember my early days as a pastor’s wife and being accused of having a “clique.” I remember thinking that was an unfair accusation because we all have friends we want to hang out with, right? So isn’t everyone with a group of friends guilty of having a clique” — their preferred set of friends? Yet pastors and their wives are usually the only ones expected to be friends with everyone and not get closer to one couple than we do to another. That’s an unfair burden as well as an unfair expectation. I remember telling women who thought they weren’t in my “clique” that if they wanted to be a part of my clique, they should start being where I was. Start coming to my book studies or let me disciple them because those were the women I hung out with ….those who wanted to grow spiritually and who fed me as I fed them. I suppose it’s difficult to understand if you’re trying to get on the “inside” but really there’s no “inside” or “clique.” It’s all about relationship-building, as you said, but sometimes it’s hard for ministers and their wives to let their guards down and have a close relationship with everyone who asks because they risk being hurt. Already, they are being accused of being “cliquish” “fluff” and “cocky.” You asked what you should do. Start praying for your pastor and his wife. As we pray for people God softens our hearts toward them and helps us to see them the way He sees them. If some of your observations are true then the Holy Spirit will impress upon your heart HOW to pray for them. Perhaps they are saying “if you want to get close, just ask” but truly guarding their hearts. If that’s true, it’s because of hurts or even insecurities that they probably haven’t shared with you. Pray for them, Marie, and see how God moves in your heart…and prayerfully in theirs, too. Thank you for your question.
OK. so I want to chime in from the single woman’s point of view. How do you deal with it when the pastor and his wife encourage you to meet one-on one with them separately? Or, when the wife encourages you to travel with the pastor in a group? This happened to me. The pastor would discuss ministry issues with me (individually) and the wife would discuss relationship/emotional issues (individually). At first, this seemed to work because I had a specific ministry calling that the pastor was expert in. But eventually, I became attached to the pastor emotionally. And, I didn’t know how to express this to him or his wife. I believe, more strongly than ever, that women should counsel/disciple women and vice versa for men. Also, regarding the traveling, there can even be danger if you travel in a group with anyone you are emotionally attached to. At the first sign of attachment, please pray and do whatever you can to flee the situation. In my case, there was no sexual infidelity, however I believe the appearance of evil ruined our relationship. I no longer attend that church and I am hesitant about joining another. So damaging but praying for God’s grace.
Thank you so much for sharing this experience and warning. I appreciate you wanting others to know of the vulnerability we can feel and how to put hedges around ourselves and our feelings by not allowing ourselves to be in a situation alone with a pastor (or any man, for that matter) that we can eventually become emotionally attached to. It is VERY common for women, single or married, to become emotionally attached and/or physically attracted to their pastors. Yes, single ladies, guard yourselves and your pastors’ integrity by having healthy boundaries. I would think a pastor and his wife would greatly appreciate this.
Hi Cindi,
I enjoyed reading your article which helps provide insight and wisdom into this situation. My pastor is very kind and patient enough to sit with you and address your spiritual ,marital, financial and any other kinds of issues. He’s like our spiritual counselor at church. However, there are certain topics that can make him feel uncomfortable to discuss such as accepting my husbands past or getting over an insecurity with his past. When the topic has been brought up, he immediately gets defensive and shuts down and says I should “get over” my husband’s past and move on, rather than being empathetic enough to understand me and help me figure this out. I am not sure why people fee uncomfortable discussing the past. Maybe the past is too much of a painful and uncomfortable subject for many but God has given me the strength and courage to confront it and deal with it. How do you deal with a pastor that does not understand you and your issues and dismisses you and makes you cry out of frustration of not being heard? My church is a small church by the way where we don’t have other ministries. It’s just one pastor leading a congregation of let’s say 100-200.I do pray for my pastor to be led by The Holy Spirit rather than the flesh.
Hi Bianca, thank you for sharing your situation and reaching out with a question. I think it’s important to keep in mind that your pastor is most likely not a licensed marriage and family counselor. Many pastors aren’t. That means they counsel (some do so reluctantly) with their own ability as best they can, and prayerfully the Holy Spirit’s guidance. In a smaller church like yours where there is no counseling ministry, it might be best for you to seek your help and counsel outside your church from someone more objective and qualified to help. Some of our issues — or our husband’s issues — can be quite complex and there are materials, curriculums, methods, and resources out there to help us through things that pastors aren’t really aware of or capable of leading us through, themselves. If you feel “shut down” by your pastor and he even acts defensive about a topic, it could possibly be a trigger of pain or temptation in his own life. (Please don’t receive that as an accusation or even an assumption, as I have no idea of the details or those involved.) Remember, pastors are redeemed people with a past as well. For example, many pastors don’t feel comfortable talking about pornography from the pulpit or in counseling sessions. Could it be because of their own struggle or temptation with it? We all get defensive at times or try to avoid situations that remind us of our own past, as well. I’m pleased to hear you are praying for your pastor. I’ve always been an advocate of biblical counseling first, but you may need to seek counseling/advice/help from a Christian counselor who is biblical in his or her approach. Many pastors are pastors because they are students of the Word of God and they feel called to shepherd people, but that doesn’t automatically make them qualified or effective counselors who can help us delve into the deeper issues that God is wanting to heal us of. I hope that helps.
If anyone is saved their past sins are under the blood. It isn’t God bringing it up. What about Paul’s past? He persecuted the church but he pressed forward for the prize. Let it all go. God calls you to live in peace. Christians should be the most joyful people on earth.
Hi Cindi,
I appreciate your quick response with more insightful wisdom. I absolutely agree with you. I have always felt that maybe he hasn’t come to terms with his past or healed from it. With that being said, now I’m praying for God to heal him from his past if that’s the case. I also believe that a licensed marriage and family therapist is what we need. We are currently seeking couples counseling outside of church and that seems t be working for us . I thought maybe our pastor could help but he can only help us to a certain extent. Thank you once again Cindi. I will continue to pray for wisdom, for my marriage and for our pastor to be more sensitive to others.
God bless you?
I’m glad you responded back, Bianca, because my husband, a longtime pastor, had a suggestion for me to give to you. What helped him tremendously (because he has never considered himself a counselor, per se, yet he pastored a church around the same size as yours) was when a faithful and mature couple in the congregation suggested the implementation of a “Stephen’s Ministry” at our church — a ministry in which people are trained to come alongside others and be a support, a sounding board, a good listener, and in some cases, a biblical guide and counselor. This couple at church offered to take the training and head up the ministry and it ended up helping my husband so much because people were paired with others who had similar life experiences and were trained to help those in the church body who were struggling with certain issues. To this day, he has a tremendous respect for a Stephen’s Ministry and how it can not only help ease the “counseling” burden of a pastor but can help the congregation tremendously. You might pray about suggesting this to your pastor and maybe he has people in mind who can go through the training to bring something like this on board at your church. You can get more information about a Stephen’s Ministry at http://www.stephenministries.org.
Hi Cindi,
I am so glad I found this site. I read a lot of the previous comments along with your responses, and have learned a great deal. I feel that you are the right type of person to help guide me in the right direction, and help me view things under better “lenses.” In particular, the last interaction of posts between you and Bianca Stopani, I think is something my church could benefit from.
I left a church that I consider to be a “hands on” cult. The ministry controlled the mind, actions, time, and money. I still have tapes of the services. They always taught about hell, and how God was never pleased with us. Many couples have divorced under this ministry, and many have left. Only a few people have left managing to obtain freedom in their minds. Most of the others are bitter, hurt, and refuse to have a relationship with church, or outwardly live for God.
Although I have not been a member of that church for nearly ten years, the healing process has been slow and difficult. People pushed buttons I didn’t even realize were still there. Many times, it resulted in taking me all the way back to my negative church experience. In my heart, I can not say that I feel hatred for these people, but it has caused me to place boundaries in my life which does not allow people the opportunity to hurt me (a second time). As it was, in this new church they are very nice, but many people would say things to me, misinterpret, and judge situations without coming to me. It really hurt and set me back too much, so I decided I wanted different results, so I changed myself. I read that we are to guard our hearts (Proverbs 4:23), so I watched the attention I brought to myself, and became more quiet. I was that person who always explained themselves. I figured everyone knew about me and my thoughts, but no one was being forthright about themselves (felt like an awkward fool) so Proverbs 29:11 helped me to stop speaking my whole mind.
Like I mentioned, I have been at my church for nearly ten years. At the time, I immediately joined the choir, sang solos, and helped with cleaning the church. At the same time I was in school…..oh, and during all of this I was newly married. It became a bit too much with all the “noise.” I became very sad, feeling alone, and like I had started pleasing people like in my former church. When I tried to talk with parishioner’s about where I came from and what I suffered, my feelings were often dismissed, and others tried to equate their experiences with mine and telling me that everyone suffers. When I tried to take a little to the Pastor, his response was I’m sure they did the best they could with what they had. I am not so self-absorbed to believe that I am the only person who suffers this way (this site proves it), but I needed spiritual guidance and help. I believe that God through Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit can deliver me, but I needed help/guidance so that I could get a better understanding, and heal properly. I quit everything to focus on my relationship with God, and tend to my other priority- my husband. Because I knew how little I would be understood, I did not “explain” away my whole thought process. I am sure this probably wasn’t the best measure, but it was the only thing I could think of to do at that time. Since then, the Pastor took singular opportunities to emphasize how much he appreciated certain people for “hanging in there” with their services, versus people who do not. There are many instances when he would say things as he ministered that were directed to me. I understood he was trying to “provoke me to good” but he never took time to “understand from me” any issues before coming to conclusions. There were many other situations (why me??!!) where things were not as they seemed, and he had a say about them but never came to me – even my husband was disturbed. He has not even bothered to try to help understand my past in counsel (with my husband) in order to help me. Others have traveled far a way, even had birthdays, and he has been genuinely happy and inquisitive. But when I traveled to Romania, and came back, it was like he worked hard to ask did I have fun. I wanted to share the spiritual effect the trip had on me, but after the reception, lost my enthusiasm. I used to learn so much from him, now I feel as though I can not trust him to lead me, because I feel he doesn’t really care (for me). I do feel that this pastor is a good man of God, and I do not (hate) him, I am just very disappointed, and do not agree with some things/ways. I am a person who came from a place that controlled me, and no one from my church seems to have suffered being controlled they way I have – I haven’t even expressed all the ways. So, I kinda feel no one can help me. Once I can overcome this, I believe I can be “that” person.
I have prayed for myself, my Pastor, and the church. But do not know how to engage him. I fear that my effort to deal with it all by going to speak with him would be in vain. I feel that he will “inadvertently” dismiss me and use our conversation to show how wrong I am and still not help me – all I want to do is to be understood and helped – not hurt any further. So what do you do when both the Pastor, and the parishioner feel they are being wronged? How does the parishioner move forward? How do you distinguish between God’s correction and the Pastor’s personal feelings? Right now I can not distinguish, so I do my best to “eat the meal, and spit out the bones.” I apologize for the book, but I have been searching for help for quite a long time.
Hi dear Cynthia. You sound like me in some ways. A person who at one time felt the need to explain all they felt, but eventually realized people will not understand, only God will, and sometimes less words are better. I’m sorry you feel alone and misunderstood. We were not meant to feel that was in the body of Christ…that is why we have a church, to have a family and others to support us and help us through our struggles. But just like with our physical families, there is dysfunction in our spiritual families (church members) as well. Cynthia, have you read my book “Letting God Meet Your Emotional Needs”? It might really help you go through that healing process and be okay without being understood by others, even your pastor. As you go to God first and pour out your heart to Him, you realize who you are in His eyes and it then doesn’t bother us anymore if others misunderstand us or even think we are “less spiritual” because we don’t meet their expectations. We are more able and stable to deal with whatever comes our way when we know our spiritual husband/shepherd (the Lord Jesus) has our back and knows our hearts. I know it is within our nature to desire close relationships with others in the church and our pastor, too. But know that the Lord sees your tender heart, your desire for unity (as well as to be real with others) and He will not disappoint you. It’s safe to vent and cry out to Him. He won’t misunderstand, gossip or see you in a different light after that. 🙂 My blog this past week was to stop asking for the things we think we need (to be understood, to have relationships reconciled in the way we want, etc) and start asking for Jesus only. When we start seeking more of Him, we find we don’t need the other things we thought we had to have. (Use the coupon code “dramafree” and you can save $3 on the already discounted price of my book “Letting God Meet Your Emotional Needs” when you order it on my website. And please let me know how it helps.) Your tender heart is in my prayers today.
We’ve been visiting a church for 6 months. They’re lucky to have 50 adults on a Sunday. The pastor grabbed lunch with us as a group early on. Since then, can’t seem to get him to fellowship with us. I’ve tried to
use different topics of interest to create an opportunity; everything from trees to end times to, well…just wanting to get together and talk about Jesus. He doesn’t respond to texts and won’t interact on social media. It makes Sunday morning handshakes rather awkward, as he is always stumbling over an array of excuses. It’s so incredibly discouraging. I have no idea what to do. The “encourage your pastor ” mantra seems to be a given. I somehow don’t think that’s a problem here at this church. When I feel marginalized or treated indifferently by a pastor, I always correlate it with how God must feel about me. This isn’t good. Any thoughts?
Hi Tony: Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment. When I wrote this blog a couple years ago I had no idea I would hear SO many stories of people sincerely trying to connect with their pastor and continually feeling snubbed. I’m sorry this has been your experience, too. First of all, please remember that God’s love for you is unconditional and God’s ways are perfect (Psalm 18:30) so He can’t be compared to a human who struggles with how to please or not ignore the people in his congregation. In a practical sense, try asking your pastor in person after a Sunday service (during that handshake, perhaps) if you and he can get together some time that week for coffee to talk about spiritual things and if not then, when? Sometimes you have to nail them down so you’re not put off any longer. You might also suggest taking him and his wife to lunch or dinner some time so he gets the message clearly that you are wanting to spend a little time with him. I pray this helps.
Well, I have a rather unusual situation. I am the pianist at a tiny church. We have anywhere from 10 to 25 people attend. They have lost their pianist a few years ago and I have been filling in. We also have had a hard time finding pastors Tuesday. We had one pastor who we had to remove and I had a difficult dealing with him. Because of this, I’m now concerned about a new pastor and issues with him. I am a self learned pianist and struggle with some hymns. Over the years I’ve been able to pick the hymns that I want to play, but have been accommodating when ever there have been request to the best of my ability. I also leave the singing. Recently, the new pastor will contact me at the very last minute to tell me that hymn doesn’t work. I have explained to him over and over again that I need more time. I find myself becoming resistant even when I could change the song. I’ve also expressed to him that it’s best to get his request in on Monday so that I can have the week to practice learning the words and the music. I’ve also told him that being able to play is difficult enough without having to try to read the lyrics in between the music. So basically, I have to memorize all the verses. He also has requested that I play more hymns, but then we only sing one verse. I go through my repertoire fairly quickly since I’m not a trained pianist. When we had an interim pastor, I joined this church. Everyone there is very loving and kind, especially after the run and I had with the first pastor. But now I’m beginning to wonder is it me or is it the pastor. Why doesn’t he send me information when he knows it or on Monday as I have requested? It is now Christmas and I turned in my hymns and on Saturday afternoon at 2:30, he emails me to tell me that he needs me to change out one of the Christmas songs. I can’t come up and practice a new song. I am at my wits end whether to email him back or ignore him. I am not the type of person to ignore the pastor or anyone for that matter, but he doesn’t listen to anything I say. I mention my needs almost every week, and he , Somehow, mixes things up so that I’m off-balance on Sunday morning. It feels almost as if it’s being done on purpose. I’m sure it’s not, because he has another job and he’s quite busy but I don’t know how to address him anymore when I have been very kind, loving, but assertive with my needs. Suggestions? Because I’ve already determined that if this goes on I will quit playing the piano and leave the church. I would hate to do this, because I love the people. He does preach the word and he seems to be very concerned about the church. I scratch my head every week …
Jane: I sympathize with your situation. However, I don’t believe your pastor is intentionally making this a hardship for you. Any good pastor will be sensitive to the Holy Spirit’s leading and that will, at times, mean changing his sermon or going a different direction at the last minute, and that might mean requesting that you change a song or two. God doesn’t always work according to our practice schedules and He doesn’t always give clear instruction to His anointed according to their expected timetables either. You are a self-learned pianist and need a week to practice the songs. He is a pastor with a second job in order to support himself and his family and he finds it difficult to give you what you need a week in advance.(Or, perhaps sometimes the Spirit doesn’t give him what he needs until after your deadline.) You are extending grace to him in light of what you see as ‘tardiness’ and he is apparently extending grace to you because you need so much time to practice. I urge you to pray for continued grace to extend to him and for God to examine your heart in why you are continuing to play at the church if you are feeling at your wits’ end and, in your words, “becoming resistant” as well as considering ignoring him. Has God placed this man in authority in this church? If so, you need to respect that, even if it comes at the price of personal inconvenience. You said he does preach the Word and seems to be very concerned about the church.Then honor him through a submissive heart or step down so another pianist who can work with a last-minute situation can step in and serve with a willing heart and make his job a little easier. I say this in love and gentleness, because you asked. 🙂
Thank you for your time and insight. I will definitely consider your advice, and seek out what I need to do because you are right, I may need to step down, but honestly, I may need to re-consider my heart and his needs as the shepherd of the church. Thank you so much for bringing this to my attention. Your advice is good and solid. It is what my mother and husband have gently said, but not as straight forward and I appreciate hearing it. Again, thank you. Your time is valuable and I can’t tell you how much I needed to hear what you have said.
Thank you, Jane, for your sweet, gentle, and teachable response. Many don’t take the time to respond, especially when what I say is difficult to hear. I know God will honor your teachable spirit and your desire to please Him in all you do. I am praying for your wisdom and your ear to hear the Spirit’s gentle nudging on what you should do. Please keep in touch. I do care about this…especially because you have responded so very graciously. Sometimes God surprises us and completely reverses or redeems the situation in a way we never expected. That’s what I’m praying for you right now. That you will be blown away with how well God turns this situation around or works it for your good (Romans 8:28). Blessings as you serve Him with a willing heart in this new year.
Thank u.I guess I have to consider this rather.
Cindi I read your article I been going thru the same that my Pastor is blowing me off. I go to a church in South Dallas area They have a Woman Pastor. I don’t have a problem with that. Just here lately She barely says Hello to me. When I need prayer she ignores my texts and phone calls. I do tithe faithfully at this Church. I have donated a 2007 Jeep Liberty to them. I did ask if she wanted it. She said she did. This is a very small Church that has help a lot of people that came in off the streets. that were homeless, that were addicted to crack cocaine ,women that were in to prostitution due to their addiction of crack cocaine. They have amens discipleship program with housing. As well as a womens discipleship program with housing. I know that the Pastor has alot on her plate. But it does disturb me. I have thought about finding another service closer to home
Paul, for the same reason women tend to feel blown off by their pastor, you might feel your female pastor is blowing you off, too. But, try to remember she is expected to be all things to all people in her role as a pastor and that’s a tough job to fill. There is only ONE of her and a congregation of people who all want to feel special, valued, and noticed. Before leaving your church, please seek God’s direction and pray about your expectations, and your pastor. (When we pray for others it softens our hearts toward them and we begin to relate to what they might be going through.) Thank you for reading and commenting on this blog post.
Feeling frustrated, I love our church and the people that are in it but for the last 15 years our church has growing from hundred down to 30 people. right now it’s mostly consist of the pastor family and the Deacon’s and a few of the members who work in the church. We been trying to get into a new building, right now we are renting a hotel room
t’s hard for me to see hope I know the Lord is the one who builds the church and God has bless us with a great pastor I know that she is overwhelmed seeing people leaving and yet every Sunday for the last 2 years she just leaves the church when the service is over and has been coming in late it’s hard to sit down to even talk with her, the last time was two years ago that we actually had a good conversation I would love to see God move more in the church but all my suggestions seem to go nowhere, I have give it over to God because I know that he is the one that can build the church not me and yet it breaks my heart to see so many people leaving I really have Big Dreams but unfortunately we are in a hotel right now and a lot of those things we cannot do. it is very hard to sit back , I would really love to do more but my hands are tied it I have the Fizz in side of me ,but the cap has been put on so tight by too many people saying that we cannot do that type of Outreach Ministry, we don’t have the finances and we don’t have the room to have more people coming I feel that fizz inside of me drying up so am I wrong and wanting to look for someplace else to minister or do I stay and just wait and see what God has in plan I’ve been praying and asking God to show me but I feel like I’m in between two worlds one side of me says keep knocking on doors until one opens and the other one says just stay and wait and be patient but meantime that fizz inside of me feels like it’s drying up little by little
I’m sorry, Debbie, that you are frustrated and discouraged with your church situation. It’s difficult when we have ideas for reaching others and the pastor or church leaders might seem complacent or disinterested in our ideas, not recognizing that can cause our passion to fizzle, as you said. I am not the one who can or should tell you if or when to leave your church. That is direction you need to take from the Holy Spirit, based upon questions such as 1) Is the Word of God being preached in this fellowship? 2) Is the leadership acting with integrity? and 3) Am I able to serve others, use my spiritual gifts, and grow spiritually within this fellowship of believers? I strongly suggest you talk with your pastor…run after her on her way out the door if you must and ask when the two of you can talk, preferably face to face. You’re right, she’s obviously aware and discouraged, too, at the number of people leaving, but if you shared with her your feelings and your desire to stay and see the church grow, that could mean a lot to her and cause her to listen to your heart. Above all, be encouraging, yet honest. Those conversations are tough, but it is our responsibility to go to others with the issues we have so we can try to work through those issues first, instead of talking with others in the fellowship about them or leaving, feeling you can do nothing. Please try to talk with your pastor. And then keep praying about it. I believe then your answer will be very clear.
I have a question about a comment that my former pastor made to me years ago. He responded to my situation to I asked him about and added that I needed to be grounded in the Bible. In addition, he suggested that it was his belief that I needed to read the whole Bible and not be so emotional and stand on my own two feet. I was hurt and angry by his harsh words. It took a long time for me to be able to see his point that I wasnt rooted in the Word but, I never knew that He wanted me to be a robot without any feelings at all. Recently we moved and my uncle who thinks himself a pastor without the education implied that christians should be perfect. I am so confused ….I try to do right but I am not a perfect person. In conclusion, I do not begin to understand a Bible that suggests a public beating for disobedient children. I was reading 11 chapters of my Bible but I feel like I am not meeting what God expects of me please offer some advice.
Teresa:
When a pastor instructs you to be grounded in the Word and “not be so emotional” he is not implying that you be a robot. The Word of God teaches us self control so that we can rule our emotions, instead of having our emotions rule us. For instance, verses like “Be quick to here, slow to speak and slow to anger” (James 1:19) is biblical instruction for controlling our emotions. God made us people of emotion,but He wants us to surrender our thoughts, attitudes, and emotions to Him. So, it’s not an either/or extreme –that you must be all emotional or completely unemotional like a robot. The Word helps us be balanced individuals under Christ’s control, not the control of our own emotions. Furthermore, Christians aren’t perfect and are not expected to be. Jesus came to save us because we can never be perfect, apart from the saving blood of Christ. Again, your pastor’s advice to be schooled and grounded in the Word clears up a lot of these misconceptions. Bottom line, look to Jesus as your example, which you will find in the Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke and John) and not to a man who is in a position to teach the Word or lead a church. All men are sinners, and some happen to be sinners saved by grace. But when we get our eyes off of Jesus and onto rules, Old Testament laws we don’t understand in context, and what “pastors” say apart from the Word of God (those who haven’t been trained or ordained), then we get all sorts of confused. I hope that helps.
I always love to hear Cindi’s perspective. Our pastors are human. Each gifted differently by God to do their ministry. They are not the Savior, but if you have a kind pastor you are very blessed indeed! Pastors hear a lot of complaints. When I look back at the Israelites in the desert and see how the Lord held complaining as a serious offense, I can understand why. Complaining really does cripple the work of the Lord in our midst. It’s not a small thing to use our tongues negatively toward our leaders. God bless the men who lead HIs church in faithfulness. When truth, joy and love are characteristic of our churches we will then be an unstoppable force for good! 2 Corinthians 1:24, Paul says, “We are workers for your joy.” And in Hebrews 13:17, The writer tells us to, “obey your leaders and submit to them – do this so that their work will be a joy.” Now this is advantageous to all!
Thanks, Sara, for your wise words. 🙂
I know this article is old but I still hope you can help me. I do feel ignored or neglected by my pastor. I am not the typical member. I have anxiety and the pandemic has sent it over the top. I rarely leave my house but do listen online. Recently I have been in contact with someone who has covid. It’s a neighbor I am friendly with and my anxiety went into overdrive. I called the church and asked them to pray for me and my neighbors who has it. During Sunday service it wasn’t even mentioned. In fact he asked those who needed prayer to raise their hands. He then told the congregation to pray for each other. I was so hurt. Not one mention. What should I do? I know I am not normal but I do pray for others and read my bible. How do I get passed this?
Hi Lisa,
Having been a pastor’s wife for several years, and knowing how these things typically work, let me offer you this advice. When you called your church and asked them to pray for you and your neighbor, it’s very possible the church secretary or whomever got that message did in fact pray for you. It’s very possible the pastor personally prayed for you, too. Sometimes when the leadership gathers, it prays for the needs of the congregation, as well. Because your specific prayer request wasn’t mentioned during your church’s service does not mean you were ignored or your prayer request was not considered worthy of pubic attention. There are often many people who call the church during the week and ask for prayer. Some even specifically ask that their request be included in the church bulletin. Because your pastor failed to remember during the service or chose not to mention every request that came in that week should not be cause for hurt or personal resentment. The fact that he asked others to raise their hands if they needed prayer and then to pray for one another in the service should also not be seen as something that was directed against you or from which you were excluded. That would be placing an unfair burden upon him. Please be assured, Lisa, that any prayer, whether uttered by just you, just a church secretary, or just the pastor is just as powerful and considered by God than if it were prayed by the entire congregation. God knows and hears it all. James 5:16 assures us: “A prayer of a righteous person, when it is brought about, can accomplish much.” You can get past this by extending grace toward your pastor and praying for him as he does his best to try to meet the needs and requests of every person he is entrusted to shepherd.
I just found this post and read through all of the situations of hurt and pain. I am so sorry for all of the situations that have truly been painful and leave a sense of bitterness and emptiness in a setting that is supposed to be welcoming and loving. One thing that I noticed in all of the posts was that Satan was not mentioned as the “roaring lion who prowls about seeking someone to devour” I Peter 5:8 He is the true enemy of the church and the author of lies, discontent, and division. I know what it is like to not be embraced by your pastor – the man who is representing God’s love to the congregation. I don’t know why it is so hard for them to just say hello, but it is. I also realize that it is just as hard for me to say hello – Satan uses this to build a wall, brick by brick.
II Cor 10: 3For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ, being ready to punish every disobedience, when your obedience is complete.
Brothers and sisters, we are not to worship a leader – we are to worship God and His Son , Jesus Christ. Keep your eyes upon Jesus, be in the word, and follow His example. You will find that as the Holy Spirit leads you to say “hello” without expecting anything back in return, you will be “free in Christ” to love others and allow God to work in their lives, on His timetable. There is power in the blood of Christ – remember, Jesus washed the feet of His disciples who did not understand Who He was at the time either. May God bless you all and keep you in the faith – please don’t walk away – walk towards Jesus!
Thank you for those wise words, Charlene, and for reminding us of the Scriptures that tell us to be on guard because the devil can have his way with us when we are pointing fingers at someone else — in this case, our pastors. We often don’t want to think that we are being used by the enemy of our soul to cause dissension in the church…we want to blame it on our pastor or someone else. Yet we all need to be alert to the subtle temptations and wiles of the devil, or just the weaknesses of our own flesh. I so appreciate your insights and the Scripture verses you reminded us of, Charlene. We are to defend the church (the body of Christ and His servants) and support the church as long as it is teaching the Word in season and out and being obedient to Christ Jesus. Yes, please don’t walk away — walk toward Jesus!
Hi. I’m having a problem with a potential pastor, and googled looking for help. I found this post and I hope I can get some help here.
Last year my husband and I started attending a new church. We loved the people and the worship. I then joined a small women’s group. We met at the leader’s house. She had two dogs that were constantly jumping on me. Along with that problem, the women seemed to be in a clique. I did not feel welcome, and therefore did not feel comfortable sharing anything. Every week as I made the half-hour drive to her house, I was in a state of panic.
I messaged the leader, sharing my struggles that I did not feel welcome, and that her dogs made me uncomfortable. At the next meeting the dogs did not greet me at the door. The leader said, “I put my dogs upstairs for you. But it’s hot up there, and I can’t guarantee how long they can stay up there.” The minute the meeting ended, as I was walking to the door, the leader hollered upstairs to her daughter, “You can let the dogs out!” I felt I had somehow put her out, which led me to feel like an outsider.
I knew I couldn’t go back there. I messaged her again, saying I quit the group for the reasons stated earlier. At this point I knew I would now be uncomfortable in the church. I wouldn’t feel welcome. So my husband and I met with the pastor. I explained what happened. He was very nice. He said if that group didn’t work for me, he would find me a different group. He said he would get back to me by next Sunday. The following Sunday he did not say anything to me. I had a sinking feeling the group leader had either talked to him about me, or showed him my message to her.
We stopped going to this church, but I missed the worship. I always felt God’s presence there. We tried another church, but that didn’t work out. Last Sunday we went back to this church. The pastor saw me, eye to eye. He turned and walked away.
Should a person continue to go to a church when the pastor doesn’t want you there?
Deborah, I am SO sorry you had this experience with your small group. I can relate. Big dogs (or any dogs jumping on me) make me a bit nervous but it’s difficult to tell that to a dog lover. I applaud your efforts to talk about the situation with both your group leader and your pastor. However, concluding that your pastor doesn’t want you there may be a bit of a stretch. I know from my husband’s experience of being a pastor that making eye contact, but then not being able to deal immediately with something in the moment, can make others misunderstand their intentions and what may have or may not have been going through their heads. It touches my heart that you really liked this church and felt you needed to be there, except that weird feeling from the pastor. I encourage you and your husband to keep attending, pray before entering and as you are there that God would give you that sense of being welcome through a friendly smile, a loving touch, someone sitting next to you and reaching out. If you continue to feel no love and acceptance there, keep praying (and asking close friends to pray for you, as well) that God would lead you though the doors of the place that He has prepared for you. There is no perfect church, and I’m sure you know that by now. 🙂 Each church is full of people (even believers) who fall short of the glory of God and act insensitively at times. My prayer is that you and your husband will find the church where you can grow spiritually, serve by using your spiritual gifts, and experience a sense of community and family, as well. You will remain in my prayers today. Thank you for reaching out and for not giving up. 🙂
Good day Cindi
i have been attending the same church for 6 years now. i enjoy the sermons so much and can confidently say my life has changed for the better. My Pastor’s love for money is too much. When he talks about food in God’s house, he means his house. People who have been elected to leadership in the church were chosen based on how they give, and i am one of them. this has now seriously affected the work of the ministry. i decided to stop giving to the church just to prove a point thats when he started to blow me off. is their a way around this
Matilda, I am so sorry you are witnessing how money can impact choice of leadership and the way decisions are made in a church. How much money a believer has or gives to the church was never ever a requirement for leadership, according to Scripture. There are other qualifications for what the Bible calls “elders” (church leadership) and whether a church calls that leadership a board, committee, decision-makers, deacons, or elders, the requirements for church leadership as stated in 1 Timothy 3:2-3 are this: “the overseer is to be above reproach, faithful to his wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money.” Is there a way around this? I can’t answer that. I suggest you be in prayer about how to discuss this in a loving way with your pastor and also pray about where you CAN give your money because God doesn’t want us to stop giving “to prove a point” but He does want us to give toward kingdom work. Find where that work is being done (where the gospel is being shared and believers are being taught spiritually, and where leaders are being trained in ministry) and give there. 🙂
We have been members at our church for 20 years now and I’m also going through this with my pastor. I’m feeling really discouraged about it. Our church is very small, less than 50 members now. Several members did not return after the COVID numbers dropped so it’s very apparent who is attending church regularly and who isn’t. I think our pastor and his wife is ignoring me because I do not attend church every week like they want us to. When we joined church 20 years ago, we had a toddler and we never missed a Sunday and we were very active volunteering and the pastor was totally different towards us then. He would even come to visit us at home. Our oldest child is an adult now and our youngest children are Autistic. We have 4 Autistic children and it’s been hard to make it to church every Sunday and I think that’s why he avoids me now. He doesn’t avoid my husband because my husband sometimes attends church without me but he doesn’t speak to me even when I speak to him and his wife ignores me as well. I honestly believe he thinks I’m not living right but they literally have no idea what kind of strain I’m under. Sometimes im up all night with my kids and I’m exhausted and already feeling discouraged and then I go to church and I’m ignored. Its very hurtful. Dragging 4 screaming Autistic kids to church every Sunday for his benefit is too much for me to bear every week. A few years ago I tried to explain what was going on with our children and the pastor totally dismissed me. He told me it doesn’t matter what’s going on in our family. I need to be attending church every week. It absolutely matters. My babies are struggling. It’s not easy. Then he recently talked about certain members not coming to church every week and he said he’s not visiting anyone in the hospital who isn’t attending church regularly and warming the bench. I’m trying to hang in there but it doesn’t feel good in my soul anymore…
I’m sorry, Michelle, at what you’ve experienced. My heartfelt advice is to never go to church for a pastor’s benefit. Go because you need a community of believers to be around. Go because you need to worship corporately. Go because you, personally need a place to give, serve, support and love others, and receive that in return. Go because your children will receive the blessing of learning about Jesus, even if it appears to be more of a struggle than a benefit to bring them right now. And if you are feeling dismissed, ignored, and unwelcome there, please pray about this. God will not have you leave a church but not lead you immediately into another one. It’s His will that you be in community with other believers. Take it to
God. He knows your heart and your needs and He can reveal anything that might need to be dealt with — concerning the church or your heart. I don’t believe He leads us to leave a church fellowship unless the Word is not being taught, or He wants us to be able to minister and use our gifts more effectively among another body of believers. As you seek God’s will first for your soul and that of your family’s, I believe He will give you direction. Your heavenly Father loves you, understands the situation, and can guide you through this.
I am curious. We … our Country … are considering democracy ve. autocracy. Why are not pastors discussing this topic in pulpits. An entire family unit of mine escaped from Hitler … some did not make it … killed. Democracy ( sm. d) is vital.
Shirl, I certainly can’t speak for all pastors and what they feel convicted or comfortable to preach about, especially when it comes to topics that may be considered “political” even though they may be very much spiritual/biblical topics (such as the sanctity of human life, God’s design for sexuality, the damaging consequences of pornography, the sin of gluttony, etc.). For many pastors, preaching the Word of God and training one’s congregation to be fully devoted disciples of Jesus Christ are the essentials. Preaching about what needs to happen in this country on a national level, how people should vote, which candidates they should support, what they should be wary of when it comes to socialism, communism, etc. can take a backseat to the “essentials” concerning one’s salvation/discipleship. I’d suggest making an appointment with your pastor to sit down and share you heart about this and getting your pastor’s perspective on that and the venues which might be most appropriate for addressing such topics. We only know what our own pastors think and why they speak out or don’t speak out on something when we ask them. And by asking you can hear what most convicts their hearts, as well. I hope that offers some sort of clarity.
I have a question for you, I attend a church of about 450 people. Now I have been attending this church since 2009. I have become our church’s missionary me and my hunch. Or so that what the pastor calls us from the pulpit.
The issue I have is this, I love my church family they are amazing. But our pastor and his staff are another story. I love them please don’t get me wrong on that part.
But there is No leadership in mentoring, guidance, caring, meeting, questions of needs or support in these areas. There is no relationship, when we are on the field he doesn’t call us, message us, video with us. It makes it hard to sit under him.
If I told the congregation the truth, they would be shocked. I know they think that the church ( pastors, leadership) support us in many way, but that is not the case. I am not looking to start anything in our church. If that was the case I could have done that years ago.
I have ask the Lord, please put me under a pastor that really cares about missions, is & our children . Someone that will help us spiritually, I am at the point right now in a spiritual battle. I can’t go to my pastor for help. I have cried out to the Holy Spirit for help and to show me what to do.
With no answer, God has me here. He will not release me, but me and my whole family are in a place of hurt, not understanding, and don’t even want to go to church.
Now my children have no clue of all the hurt and things that I have been through or that I have had to endure.
I went to my pastor at one time and ask him to please take care of my family while we are In Tanzania. Long story short, he ask me to forgive him and he repented right there.
I thought that things would change, I took him for his word. But nothing, he doesn’t call them, texted them on a regular basis. Just in passing at church, how are you doing, do you need anything. That is the proverbial thing to do. But to reach out to them to really let them know that they care. Thats what I expect from my shepherd.
We do what we do because we have been chosen to go. In our ministry we are a nonprofit organization. We are a independent nonprofit organization. God named this ministry not me. He named it Outside The Walls International Ministries. Since 2015 we have see. Over 8,500 people give their lives to Jesus, thousands of deliverances, miracles, signs and wonders.
I don’t get it, what would be your suggestion, I need a mentor and I need one now? Someone that care about the work that is being done for the kingdom of God. Trust me, if you are a missionary, God is the most important thing. Our hope and trust is in him. Need some guidance!
Thank you
Missionary
I’m so sorry you are feeling unsupported by the leadership in your home church. You mentioned crying out to the Holy Spirit and He still has you there. I’m not about to second-guess the Spirit’s leading in your life so I’m glad you are taking that to prayer and trusting God with your future. I would suggest you find some prayer partners, loyal friends within your church who can be your support by looking in on your children, praying for you, asking how it’s going. The body of Christ is all of us, and because your pastor seems to have his hands full, perhaps God has a mentor/spiritual mother/father for you in your home congregation who can really minister to your needs. There are people in your midst with the gift of helps who can shepherd your heart while you are in the field, perhaps more than your own pastor, who is evidently trying to keep his church afloat and is perhaps overwhelmed with the needs here at home. Your work is valuable for the kingdom. I know God will honor that. Keep your eyes on HIS leadership and who He might want to be your emotional and spiritual support from your own church or neighborhood. Not every role of ministry needs to come from the senior pastor. He can only do so much. And God may have someone for you who has been praying for a way to impact the kingdom, not realizing their prayers, heart, and personal encouragement toward you could be a way to do that. Pray for discernment, then reach out and ask a mature, godly believer in your church with your personal request. It’s possible they may be honored that you asked. Seek out those you know who take prayer and missions seriously. I will be praying for you, as well, to find that person or family who can minister to you in that way.
My pastor chose me to be one of the Ushers. Months have gone by and I have never been asked to usher. They have lost Ushers and still I have not not asked to Usher. I asked the pastor if I did something wrong he said no. He then tells me I have a calling on my life in the ministry and he requests that I walk in it when I’m ready. I told him I was ready to walk in my calling. He asked me when we can talk and I told him to let me know when he is available. Weeks went by and he never got back to me. Months went by and I approached him again. He now says he wants to wait until the beginning of the year. I feel like, in both instances, he is blowing me off and wants me to leave. Praying for an answer.
Lisa there are literally THOUSANDS of churches out there that would LOVE to have someone as willing and passionate as you to serve.
Why waste your time in a place where they think the best you can give is to show up, and sit in your seat every Sunday?
You will always find those pastor sympathizers when you’re seeking answers, who will place the blame on you, and paint the pastor as a vitcim for whatever reason.
Your pastor chose his role, and in doing so he commited to serving YOU and the church, not the other way around.
A pastor who brushes you off, makes false promises, and ignores your sincere desires to serve is guilty of marginalizing the body of Christ… 1 Corinthians 12:21: The eye cannot say to the hand, “I don’t need you!” And the head cannot say to the feet, “I don’t need you!”
The fact that your pastor has made promises that went unfulfilled, ignored your gifting, and led you to a place where you’re asking for advice online, should tell you what you already know.
Find your home, a place where you are valued… Because there are a lot of churches that desperately need help.
As my teachers used to say in ministry school, don’t seek to be a worship leader in a mega church, find a church that desperately needs you, and serve there.
Even prophets without biblical love are useless, more so pastors:
If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.
God bless(:
So in other words, it’s your fault, not your pastors…
Lame.
I’m sorry you misunderstood this post to imply that it’s always another person’s fault and not a pastor’s. Of course, there are manipulative and selfish pastors, just as there are manipulative and selfish doctors, lawyers, teachers, and people in general. My point was to seek to see the person, not the position, and extend grace where needed. God is our ultimate leader and He places shepherds over us, but some of those shepherds surely abuse the flock. As we keep our eyes on Jesus, seeking His wisdom and heart on the matter, I believe He will show us the error of our –or our pastor’s– ways and lead us to the place where we can be truly shepherded and cared for.
Thank you for the insight- it is still really painful/ it took a lot for me to come back to church and I don’t feel very welcome and moreover the pastor I have made I undos to be friendly and write a note if support- he stood talking to a co attendee and ignored me when I was standing beside that contended- I feel ignored and hurt
I’m so sorry for how you are feeling, Andrea. My prayer is that your pastor will have a heart of understanding and display sensitivity toward you and all those in His care. Keep looking to Jesus, your Chief Shepherd, and know that He sees your heart and your needs.
I was brought to this current church by God to deliver a grand message from God. The Lord has been speaking to me since I was 4 years old, so I know His voice. I came from another state to give this message, but the pastor and a few elders simply are ignoring me..I have emailed the pastor 4 times trying to relay the message that it needs to be spoken in private. Yet, he continues to ignore me. He and the elders see me every Sunday, state at me, but not enough nerve to ask me what the Lord has placed on my heart. Should I walk away from this church and try to find another who will listen to this extremely Divine message?
Deborah, I understand if a pastor is uncomfortable meeting privately with a woman he doesn’t know who has been emailing him about wanting to deliver a message from God to him in private. From my years as a pastor’s wife in ministry, I believe it isn’t wise for ANY pastor to meet alone with a woman in private. In my opinion, that pastor is being cautious and his elders are likely seeking to protect him, as well. Allegations easily arise when a pastor (or any other male church staff member) meets alone with a woman other than his wife behind closed doors. Please understand, too, that a pastor and elders are commanded by God to protect their flock and they can be leery if someone shows up, out of the blue, claiming to have a direct revelation from God for them. The Bible teaches that God reveals Himself in His Word and it can become a slippery slope and there can also be mixed messages when people (especially those unknown to them) approach a pastor saying “I’ve got a message from God.” In my opinion and experience, if that pastor needs a message from God, God will reveal it to him personally through His Word or through the counselors and leaders that pastor has surrounded himself with.
My issue is a bit different as it seems our pastor is only favoring those that give the most money to the church in tithes and offerings and not really upholding impartiality. He only has fellowship with maximum 4 members. I am about to voice my grievance to the whole congregation in as much of a respectful manner as much as possible.
Since I have not been given fellowship to deal with a problem between my 82 year old mother who was abusive to me all my life physically, emotionally and mentally. I am disabled and have been so since a young age. My mother has wealth due to my stepfather who passed away. She has been having fellowship with the pastor and the pastors wife every week. Never once with me and she and I live in the same household because I came here to try and reconcile with her where she is trying to discredit me and have me hated. The second person is her best friend who cheers my mother on and told me to my face that she would have my mother disown me and she would become her daughter.
This church is not large and has maximum of 20 members and cannot grow due to this constant type of things happening. So what is your advice before I go and ask the congregation how many actually have had fellowship and how many want it and never have received it. To them make a precedence that the discrimination stop by the pastor and his wife or I call on God to judge between me and them. I have prayed that a few times in my life and the way those people have died by having to be cared for and dependent on others who do not care about them and moving on with my life has been quite shocking. I do not wish to do so again but in order to stop the infestation of discrimination by the money one receives from members is not brought out in the open a nest of vipers will arise and devour the good with the bad. By the way this has gone on for a whole year. I have held my tongue this long and prayed. There has been no improvement at all and has gotten considerably worse. So what is your suggestion. I cannot change churches at the moment and wont be able to until save up to be able to buy a vehicle to pack my things in and move. Being on social security disability of only $849 a month is not easy with paying certain bills at my mothers home. I am58 and next week I will be 59. I have autism and epilepsy and frankly tired of my mother calling me weird, not normal and that I should have never been born. By the way my mother is dying of kidney failure. I wanted to reconcile with her so that we would not have this between us when we are facing the great Lord our God and King Jesus Christ. Seems all I am to her is a punching bag to be treated as something to use to give her prestige and to belittle me by telling others I am a liar about the abuse she gave me as a child. Also, if I was not here my sisters which are also our mothers daughters would have had her put into a elderly home if possible. My sisters are quite wealthy by the way. I am not and was never given the opportunity when I was young because I was not physically able to by her standards. So please give your best shot on how to deal with this. I disrupted my own household with negotiating with my husband on me being here. If things do not change by the time I save up the money to leave then I will leave and never return to see my mother. Not even on her deathbed since it is not worth the $6000 round trip plane ticket to even put up with the family members and church members she has lied to about me all these years and still blaming me for her husbands that molested me from ages of 7 to 13. I lived in hell. I am living in a type of hell now. My husband is not wealthy and it took all we saved for the past 3 years for me to be here with my mother. We agreed that I would have to save up my disability checks in order to return since he would not be able to save with working 14 to 16 hours a day and no time to cook for himself. My mother puts my husband down saying how poor he is but he is not in debt with credit cards, does not drink alcohol since it makes him have migraines with just 1 drink of any kind, he does not do drugs and it is like tooth and nails to get him to take any medicine the doctors tell him to take. He is a hard worker and never argues with me. He lets me rant about things and listens then tells me things will get better and that he loves me. He never has raised an hand against me. He has never belittled me and treasures me as his wife. Yet none of that matters to my mother who belittles my husband and I in front of the church. My husband whom I speak to every day via WhatsApp told me to save up and return as soon as possible. He even heard my mother slam open my bedroom door then tell me to get the h out of her house and that she should never have given birth to me since I am Satan and the devil because I lie to everyone. I told her that I do not have to lie. She said that she does not have any of the abuse she did to me in her memory. But she remembers things in her own way since she has said those same words to me all my life since her divorce from my biological father due to his infidelity and he disowned me because I was not a son. So since age 3 I have been the punching bag for all the ills of her life. Every time she told me that line and I left her house until the police found me or the two times as a teen I tried to commit suicide over all this abuse I have had. It is as if she wants me dead and using the church and her friends to accomplish it because she recently said to me that when I die that she will be free of me.
I’m sorry for your hurtful situation with your pastor. My advice is to be prayerful about any action you take. When responding to an issue in ANY relationship, it is most important to pray for the Holy Spirit’s leading so that your words and actions will be representative of the fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23) and not from fleshly motives and reactions which can so easily creep in.
I find it is better to temper expectations with people, because they will always let you down. If people don’t want to deal with me, even my pastor, I will just back off and give them space.
Even if my pastor doesn’t care about me, God does, and God still has a place for me even if everyone else around me has written me off. So long as the pastor is doing the job he is paid to do by preaching the Word, that is what really matters. Eventually, he will get over himself, or not. At the end of the day, it isn’t our job to babysit our preachers, that is God’s.