Stress—whether it’s physical, emotional, relational, or financial—can take its toll on any of us.
So, how do you handle it?
I used to find myself reaching out to my husband or my teenage child to get the relief, encouragement, or support I needed to get through stressful times. But I’ve learned, through the years, that having such expectations on others can backfire.
You and I can push our marriages over the edge if we let our spouses know they are not meeting our emotional needs or expectations at a time when they might be dealing with multiple frustrations as well.
We can also damage our relationships with our children when we expect them to “be there” for us, emotionally, when they might not feel equipped to do what it is we are expecting of them, or respond in a way that will meet our emotional needs.
There have been many times in the past 30 years that I’ve had to make a conscious decision to not lay my expectations on my husband or daughter when I’ve felt particularly stressed, regardless of the source. And as I began to take my troubles and stressful times to God first, I found that I was not only more able and stable to deal with whatever came my way, but I could help others in my family through whatever they were going through, as well.
Today, when stress starts rearing its ugly head in my life, I practice these “Three T’s” on a daily basis to stay strong during difficult times:
- Tell God First. Sometimes you and I need to vent or just talk aloud about how we’re feeling. But our frustrations can come across as accusations or complaints if we’re not careful. And since it is natural for our spouses—and others who love us—to try to find the problem and fix it, when we just wanted someone to listen, it’s better to go to God with the venting first. Sure, God already knows what we’re going to say. (Psalm 139:4 says “Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord.”) But by telling God first all that is on our hearts and minds, He can be the “buffer.”
- Trust God’s Promises. The Bible is full of God’s promises about His provision and protection. So when we become troubled about finances, or other issues, we can find comfort just by remembering some of God’s encouraging words to His people. In Philippians 4:19, Paul says “And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.” And Romans 8:28 tells us “…in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” And Psalm 18:30 promises us that all God’s ways are perfect. He will never disappoint you. Keep stress sidelined by banking on the promises in the Bible and taking God at His Word.
- Thank God Constantly. No matter what the situation, there’s always something to be thankful for. One of my friends was discouraged that her husband’s new job didn’t pay as well as his previous one. But some income was better than none. Another friend complained about her teenage son’s disinterest in school and his unwillingness to “apply himself”, yet he was still very interested in his church’s youth group. We can become people of praise with a contagious positive attitude when we obey God’s command in 1 Thessalonians 5:18 to “give thanks in all” A thankful spouse, parent, or friend is pleasant to be around.
When we practice these three Ts, which I started teaching more than 20 years ago, our circumstances might not change immediately. But by depending on God—and not solely on others—we can become encouragers, rather than accusers, and we can alleviate the stress in others’ lives, as well as in our own.
Which of these steps will you focus on this week to stay strong and not stressed? I’d love to hear from you in the comment section below.
I appreciate your emails finding them thoughtful & encouraging. I have and will share them with friends who go on to share 💙💚
Thank you for taking the time to read and share, Janie.
Very good advice. I’m thankful for not needing a right leg amputation (for now 😬). But it’s hard having what I call a perpetual broken leg. I can’t put any weight on my right leg because a surgery I had 6 years ago has finally failed with no fix (for now 🤞🏻). So I hop along on my walker in my house and use a wheelchair when I go out.
Oh, Gail, I’m so sorry to hear that you’re struggling with that. I, too, am thankful you still have your right leg. In our weakness He is strong and may you experience His strength more mightily now than you ever have. Blessings and prayers, my friend.
It is very difficult to trust in God’s promises when the wolf is at the door and persistent prayers for relief remain unanswered. Sometimes God uses adversity to nudge us out of our comfort zone to use us in His way and on purpose. He answers, though not in a way we hope or expect.
We might find ourselves in chaotic, toxic situations that are stressful, especially when tolerance is pushed over the edge. In our naïveté, we suddenly come to the realization that we are being manipulated and exploited. When tolerated beyond the limit, such situations become traumatizing.
Jesus teaches that when others refuse His peace and our goodwill, we are to shake the dust from our feet and move on.
That is something to indeed be thankful for. It is healthy validation and alignment. We all seek His absolute truth in all things, in all situations, in all people. All we can do in extremely dysfunctional, sinful situations, as you teach here Cindi, is to accept the blessings with thanksgiving.
What a beautiful message, Cindi. Thank you.
You’re welcome, Sally. Thank you for your insights.
Cindi, another thought, is that stress in relationships can be exacerbated when we lack the courage to be direct with others. When our heart is in the right place completely with Christ, we care enough to be direct. But when we allow our own interest to guide our actions, everyone suffers.
We may fear offending someone, or in extreme cases of personality defects such as narcissism, their reaction and even retaliation. We forget to go to God first, especially when we still lack the graceful skills to be productively assertive, with kindness and meekness.
Certain people have a way of pushing our wrong buttons and triggering parts we may have thought healed. But the process isn’t complete and we find ourselves in a pattern of repeating similar circumstances until we finally see what God is trying to show us.
Recently I quit a job that became unbearable because of constant chaos and dysfunction that was largely because the young woman (mid-30s) who was the manager refused to take responsibility for herself. Instead she would create extreme scenarios to divert attention from her carelessness. She had four children, ages 9 months to 4 or 5 years old that were unkempt. Recently, they were taken away from her.
Each time I tried to address concerns with her, she would refuse to be held accountable. Suddenly she had to leave. She wouldn’t respond to emails or messages. The only reason why anyone refuses to be held accountable is because they’re into something they shouldn’t be. It became an exercise in futility to try to reason with her.
I regret not trying to be more direct with her than I thought I was being. That, quite likely, is because I did not feel safe around her. By the time I quit I could no longer bear to be in the same space with her. To love others is to want what’s best for them, not to sympathize with their character disorders.
As Christians we identify with each other’s sins, suffering as Christ shows us the way toward reconciliation. Such trials become valuable when the Holy Spirit reveals the blessing — the angel entertained unawares.