As I surveyed daughters, ages 15-45 for my book, When a Mom Inspires Her Daughter, I found that, overall, a daughter needs these 7 things from her mom:
1. She Needs to Know She is Your Priority
As a 19-year-old college student who has never doubted her mother’s love for her, Annie says: “My mom made me her center. I don’t think that spoiled me. Rather, it made me secure in the fact that she loved me and would do what it took to provide for all I needed.”
Another daughter said: “Not to sound selfish, but I needed my mom to choose me first over a lot of things, to let me know that I was a priority in her life over work and finances.”
2. She Needs to Know She Is Accepted
A young woman needs to know she is accepted by her mom, no matter how old she is. She needs to feel accepted as she is recognizing her uniqueness, in the ways she feels “odd” or out of place in a crowd, and on the days she feels she doesn’t measure up to others around her.
3. She Needs to Feel a Connection with You
Karen said she never really felt a deep emotional connection with her mom.
“My mom was a single parent raising me and my siblings. She worked outside of the home through most of my adolescent years. I didn’t feel a connection with her because she had a “hard shell” around her heart. While I always knew she loved me, it was very difficult to approach her.
Be the one who initiates an emotional connection with your daughter. Tell her you love her. Even better, show her with your actions. Even if she’s acting like she doesn’t want to connect with you, she will know that you are the one who is reaching out.
4. She Needs a Spiritual Foundation
Katie, who was raised in a committed Christian home, says that although she might not have appreciated it at the time, her mother’s insistence that she attend church every Sunday and learn strong biblical values is one of the best things her mother could’ve done for her. It is something Katie intends to imitate with her own children.
Our daughters need us to have a strong dependence on the Lord so they can develop a dependence on the Lord, as well.
5. She Needs to be Allowed to Fail
Guiding your daughter through disappointment and failure is just as important as guiding her through victory and success. Let her make mistakes. Let her feel badly. Let her live out what it’s like to be imperfect. And love her through it. Could anything show her more of the way God loves us?
6. She Needs You to be a Woman of Integrity
I can’t help but think that is my daughter’s greatest need from her mother, as well. I can raise her according to biblical principles, and talk to her about the importance of being Christ-like, loving others and having a pure heart. But the bottom line is, if I am not modeling any of it myself, then my words are merely words. She needs to see the Christ-like life lived out in me every day of my life and know it is real before she will know how or even have a desire to live it herself. She needs an example to follow in making life’s choices and being the woman she knows I want her to be.
7. She Needs Your Stability
I will venture to say that your stability is even more important than hers. Our daughters can’t be the ones who hold us up, emotionally. It is our job, as moms, to bear their burdens when they need emotional support and nurturing.
If we’re not careful, we can reverse the situation and cause our daughters to feel the weight of having to emotionally carry us. I know many college-aged girls who feel guilty about going away to school because of how difficult it is on their moms to be away from them. Our daughters need us to be a rock because we look to Christ, our Rock, in times of trouble and adversity. Our daughters need us to be women of integrity who show them how to be in the midst of a compromising world. And our daughters need us to be women who can keep it together when life around us falls apart. If we are the ones with the emotional issues, we can lead our daughters toward depression, a sense of hopelessness, or a desire to distance themselves from us.
In short, be the woman you want your daughter to become. And chances are that she will, in time, follow suit.
What does your son or daughter need most from you?
I grew up with an emotionally unstable mother like you talk about in number 7; always crying and telling me all her problems, living through many depressions. As a result, I turned out to be self-absorbed, feeling guilty and manipulated. I was not close to her at all since we did not have anything in common. I would never be like her crying all the time being sooo weak. I was the strong one! Praise God He allowed me to know Him through His son Jesus five years ago. I met a great sister and I was able to work on emotional-relational with her. I praise the Lord every day for her. Now, as a mother myself of a beautiful young 9 yr old I am careful to bring her up the way God wants it. Cindi, thank you for this book that comes in a perfect time for us and which also complements the Scriptures. A verse that encourages me: Proverbs 24:10: If thou faint in the day of adversity, thy strength is small. (Proverbs 24:10 KJV)
Thank you, Julie, for giving us your story with your happy ending…you are now able to offer your daughter what you did not have while growing up. That’s how God redeems the pain in our life and turns it into something purposeful for us. Thank you for your reminder of how the Lord heals and brings blessing into our lives as we surrender our hurts to Him.
After my father’s death last year after a very long debilitating illness, my mother hurt my sister and I very badly. My mother is also not very mentally stable. I feel like I have lost both my parents. My father has passed and I feel like I do not have a mother anymore. I have been turning to the many fine women that I have in my life already. But, I feel like I still need my mother.
That must be so painful, Dawn. I’m sorry for your loss and that ache inside you that that still longs for a mom. I hear that from many women who have lost their moms. I hope you find comfort in God’s Word that He is a “Father to the fatherless” and He “makes a home for the lonely” (Psalm 68:5-6, NASB). Thanks for sharing your heart.
Hi Cindi,
What a great post, I always look forward to reading them 🙂 YOU and your book, “When A Mom Inspires Her Daughter” ROCK!!!
Thanks, Chery. 😉
I appreciate this article. As a divorced mom, I can say now I have a close relationship with my two daughters. I did while married too; I didn’t mean that. What I mean to say is for two years after the divorce, my oldest daughter and (only) son would not speak to me. I found out through the daughter after the two years were up that their father said some untrue things about me and they believed them. That being said, after 2 years, my son would talk to me for a year, then abruptly, he stopped and I haven’t heard from him in the past 3 years. Do you have a list of what 10 things a son needs in his mom? I text him on his cell phone every month. I do not know what else to do. His dad lives in the same town as I do, but he is also not talking to me. That doesn’t bother me though. Our son will visit his dad and we are only a 5 minute drive away from each other. Anyway, thank you for this article.
I’m glad you and your daughters are close, Jeannette. For more on what your son needs, especially from his mom, see the book, Moms Raising Sons to Be Men, by my good friend, Rhonda Stoppe.
My 34 year old daughter is going through a difficult time. Sometime I am tempted to tell her all of the mistakes she is making. Your admonition that I allow her to fail sometimes rings true with me. I needed to hear it. Thanks.
You’re welcone, Karen. And, as an added bit of advice, please keep in mind that your daughter probably realizes all she is doing wrong and what she needs from you most right now is your love, support, and encouragement.
Someone said to me ,I’m always forcing my self to my friend like hugging her a lot she said maybe I need my mothers love ,I wanna if that’s true ? Plz help me Cindi
Kate, a girl can be affected in many ways by not having a mother’s love and affirmation. Sometimes that does result in young women becoming emotionally and physically “clingy” with their friends. My book, Letting God Meet Your Emotional Needs, would be a good book for you as it helps you look to God first, instead of friends and others, to meet the deep needs of your heart. See also my free downloadable articles under the “Articles of Encouragement” section at my website. Thank you for your comment.