I’ll never forget the day I was cleaning through my top dresser drawer and found a treasure.
I almost threw out the stack of aged, yellowed papers, weathered by time and slightly torn on the edges. When I unfolded the papers and read through them, I instantly realized why I’d kept them all those years. On them were written words any woman would want to read over and over again. They were love letters from my husband that included phrases like “I love you beyond expression.” “You complete me like no other.” And “I love you desperately.”
As I read through them, my eyes teared up. And then my heart dropped.
I haven’t had a letter like this from him in years, I thought. Why doesn’t he write like this to me anymore?
All of the letters dated back to the first few years that we were married. Nearly 30 years ago! And they all described the captivating woman he saw me as – the woman I had hoped in my heart of hearts that I still was in his eyes.
How I would have loved to believe that I hadn’t changed a bit through the years. How easy it would have been to believe that he was the one who had become distant, more critical, less interested, and less passionate than he was the day we married. It was a little tougher to put that magnifying glass up to myself and ask if I was the one who let resentments build up or baggage get in the way.
I realized if I was to be the cherished wife who receives another letter like the ones I found in my top dresser drawer, I would have to become that woman my husband wrote to so many years ago.
Here are a few of the steps I took to remove the baggage, rebuild love, and recapture my husband’s heart. And they amount to three simple ways you can experience more with your husband.
1. Respond to Him Like a New Wife
When I asked myself what it was I was doing to make my husband write letters to me like he once did, the answer was simple: I was responding to him like a new bride.
Remember when you were a brand new bride? It might be decades ago or just a few weeks. But oh, what a feeling! You couldn’t wait until the two of you got off work so you could be together again. You constantly checked your voice mail messages or your phone to see if he had called during the day. You had a special sparkle in your eyes when you talked of him and a spring in your step when you walked alongside him. What would it take to get back that loving feeling for him? If you’re waiting for him to do something different, I guarantee he will when YOU start responding to him like you once did when you were a new wife.
2. Reframe What You Say to Him
Most of the baggage in marriage comes from words the two of you have said to one another. Careless words. Accusing words. Hurtful words. Many times we didn’t even intend for those words to sound the way they did. That’s the whole point in reframing your words to your husband. Ephesians 4:29 tells us to “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” So, instead of saying “Are you going to wear THAT to dinner?” Say instead, “I’d love it if you’d wear that blue shirt you look great in.” And instead of saying “Why don’t we go out on dates anymore?” try instead “I miss spending time alone with you.” Ask yourself, before the words exit your mouth, “Will this encourage him and make him believe I’m in his corner?” If the answer is no. Don’t say it at all.
3. Refuse to Dwell on the Negatives
In every relationship there are memories and situations you are best to let go of so the two of you can move forward. Negative thoughts and memories may assault you at times, but don’t let them run rampant in your mind. Instead, practice 2 Corinthians 10:5, which instructs us to “destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ.” Capture that thought and kill it. And then remember why you fell in love with your husband in the first place. Was it his tenderness? The way he made you laugh? His dependability and faithfulness no matter what the circumstance? Focus on his positive qualities – even ones that you believe are no longer there – and you just might start noticing them again.
Which one of these steps do you need to work on the most? Let me know in the comment section below (along with the U.S. state you live in) and I’ll select three winners to receive a free, signed copy of my newest book, 12 Ways to Experience More with Your Husband. (Or grab your copy now at a special introductory price in my website store for a limited time only!)
All three of these steps hit my heart in an eye opening way. #2 “reframe what you say to him” is what I need to work on the most and #3 “refuse to dwell on the negatives” is right behind it. Thank you for these practical steps and encouraging words on how I can be a better wife. ? from Indiana
Thank you, Heather, for sharing your thoughts and for telling me where you’re located. You’re in the running for a free book.:)
My first instinct was towards #2 because I always think, after my words to him, that I could have said that in a better way. But, my mind keeps going back to #1. My childhood lacked affection so it’s always a struggle for me not to fall into patterns of distancing myself. I will commit to being the new bride.
Great comment, Cyndi. I think we all can better frame what we say when we take the time to think about it. Best wishes as you return to being a “new bride” in your heart and mind. Are you located in the U.S.?
Yes.
Located in AZ
After over 36 years of marriage my husband and I have grown a lot. I’ve learned about him, loved him, and accepted him for who he already is. That took many years. He wasn’t a romantic when I married him and he isn’t now but he has been by my side and we’ve helped each other through so much. His dad and my mom both passed away this past year and we’ve been there for each other.
I do need to work on my “open mouth insert foot disease”. Sometimes I say something to him without thinking how he’ll react and I wish I could take it back.
We live in the great state of Alabama.
Thank you, Gail, for sharing such beautiful insights about a marriage of trust and dependability. Thank you for your honest comment at the end there, too. 🙂 You are entered to win a free copy of the book. Roll tide!
Thank you for the great advice. I am convicted of “reframing what I say to him”. I feel so bad when I say something and by the look on my husband’s face I can tell it hurt him. It’s going to take me carefully speaking intentionally – a habit I’m not used to – but I am going to try it. ♥
Thank you, Terri, for leaving your thoughts and sharing your desire to carefully reframe what you say. 🙂 Always great to hear from you on the blog and you’re now entered to win a free copy of this new book. 🙂
Awesome article!!! The resentment and negativity have had devastating results for me!
Thank you for your honesty and for taking the time to leave a comment. That negativity and resentment can be reversed. It’s worth a try.
Thanks so much for this! We were just discussing last night that we should talk the way we did 30 years ago. #2 hits home with me. I’m reactive and need to reframe what I say, and respond like I did years ago. I’m sure going to try !
Thanks, Carolee. 🙂
The step I need most to work on is #2 my words to my husband, encouraging him rather than discouraging him. It is quite a challenge! I am an encourager to most everyone I speak with and yet not with him. One thing I find uncanny is that my love language is words, and yet it’s hard for me to think that way in terms of him and I think based on his past it’s one of his most important love languages as well. A BIG challenge is how he relates his past to his present, and I have trouble helping him figure that out. I think the point of the matter is I am a fix-it kinda gal, if something’s wrong or broken I feel it’s my job to fix it, kinda part of how I do my job and it carries home! And that’s not what he needs me to be, I need to be a better listener and NOT offer the “fix”! I’m in PA, married 10 years to a great man!!!
Thanks, Missy. You sound a lot like me in many ways. You’re entered into the drawing for the book. 🙂
I am also a fixer mindset and experience the same challenges especially where my husband relates his past to his present. I have discovered more these past months that I need to listen more not only to my husband but listen to myself before speaking and be mindful of tone. It will take changes in me to see the change in my husband and our marriage.~PA
Number two is the one I need to work on the most. It’s been my biggest struggle during our 13 years of marriage, but by the grace of God he’s still working on me and my heart. Thanks for the great advice!
Illinois ?
You’re welcome, Monika. Thanks for your leaving your comment.
Congratulations to your winners, but seriously, I have read this book and am here to say that ANYONE that buys this book is a winner!!! I am working on all three of those steps. When friends tell me they are “done” with their husbands I always say, “Well, why did you choose to marry him?” After they answer I tell them they need to go back to that…now I just recommend your book…so much better! I cannot say how much I, and my husband/marriage have reaped from your book Cindi! I know I’ve told you and don’t want to be repeating except that it bears repeating. Cindi’s book, “12 Ways to Experience More with Your Husband”, will be the BEST investment in your marriage! I have a great marriage now 35 years, and I have reaped SO MUCH! My husband is happier (thanks Chapter 5…and a few others:-) Which equals me being happier! While I was reading your book sometimes my heart would pound from excitement at the thought of good things getting better! I wish I had had this book back when things weren’t so “great”. Fact is, I can think of how your book would have been valuable from our beginning to now! The WONDERFUL thing is that I have your book from here forward! You have several other books on marriage that are really good, and this one is a phenomenal addition! As always I really appreciate your transparency Cindi, it makes all you write so relate-able. Thank you for the gift your book has been/will be to my marriage<3
Thank you, Chery, for your input I’m glad my book is helping you. ?
Thank you Cindi, your Steps are remarkable and have hit my heart hard. I’ve been married for 14 years, the kind of love that we used to have before is no longer there, it has been replaced with arguments, responds that are not pleasing and the list goes on. I need #1&2 the most to take his affection back. Geua
Congratulations to Gail Hollingsworth of Alabama, Monika of Illinois and Missy of Pennsylvania for winning a free copy of “12 Ways to Experience More with Your Husband.” As a thank you to ALL who left comments and participated in the giveaway, please use coupon code “blogfan” in my website’s shopping cart and receive another 20 percent off the introductory sale price of this book. (Offer expires 2/28/18).
Your comment*Hi Cindi I only got to stumble upon your website today the 14th of February. I must admit the first two pointers hit a chord in my heart. They made me realize how over 11 years in marriage, I no longer respond to him like a new wife, i have allowed time to cause us to grow too familiar with each other,allowing myself to use time to nurse grudges and harbour thoughts of resentment. In turn these thoughts come out as daggers when I speak as I always feel i should always be truthful, not realising how hurtful and vindictive I’m sounding, which offers my husband no hope at all. I thank God for leading me to your site and I believe it’s a new beginning of new things and restoration in my marriage as I apply your teachings. May GOD richly bless you and know God has used you to answer a prayer of one of HIS daughters far away in a small town in Bulawayo, Zimbabwe
Thank you so much for taking the time to let me know how my blog has helped you. I’m glad you stumbled upon my site, too, and I look forward to being an encouragement in your life and your marriage. God bless you…far away (but not to God!) in a small town in Zimbabwe! 🙂
#3 is the one that hit home the most the other two need some work also but focusing on #3 is where I must start. Nebraska
Thanks, Steph, for your input. I think that’s one we all need work on. 🙂
I am a counselor but need help myself in my marriage. I married someone I met when we both very busy students. He was from another country and because of a language barrier (we spoke each other´s language, but incompletely) and cultural differences, we really didn’t know or understand who the other person was very well. Before we were married, I saw him as someone who was very sweet, intelligent, adventurous and very interested in Biblical study. Once we were married and moved to his country, I was hit with a shock to realize that he married me to show his old girlfriend she should have waited for him to return from the US, and to imitate his best friends. One had married an intelligent foreigner, and the other had married a nominal Catholic and persuaded her that belief in God was pure superstition. My husband thought he could do the same with me, but once we were married and living in the same country, he quickly found he could not do the same, because I have a strong personal relationship with God, through Jesus, and know that God is real. Once in his country, personal attacks on my beliefs started, implying I am intolerant, a nasty person because of my religious beliefs, superstitious, etc. any time we spend time together alone, which was and still is very little because he spends an average 12 hours a day and weekends at his work, even on holidays if they aren’t celebrated by and with his favorite relatives. This is not necessary for him to do because his labor contract is very flexible and many of his co-workers spend large amounts of time working at home. He “pulls me out” for social occasions with his favorite aunt, his parents, friends and colleagues, who all seem to like me because, in reality, I am personable, educated, intelligent, and well-informed so I can converse intelligently about many areas, from science, politics, philosophy and even in his area of mathematical finance. So the only one in his social system who seems not to like or respect me is my own husband. This still is a great shock to me since I thought we loved each other, and still want us to do so. I believe that I made a commitment to God to love and care for this man, but I feel like I am the only one who feels any love in my marriage. I feel like God is the only one who loves and is sustains me since my my parents have died and my husband has done whatever he can to keep me from finding a Christian community and friends in the country where we live. In my work, I am a teacher, translator and counselor of my clients, without coworkers to make friends with. I am praying that God show him that God is real and teach him to love me and others. I would appreciate any comments to help guide me in what is a Christian response for me in my situation.
Terri: Your situation sounds like a difficult one. But I am encouraged to hear that you KNOW that God loves you and is with you. I believe that strong relationship with Him will get you through anything. You didn’t say which country you are in but please email me at Cindispeaks@msn.com and perhaps I can recommend some resources in your country. I know my book, When Women Walk Alone, would really be powerful as you are walking alone in your marriage…God is with you, but you may feel alone at times because you don’t have the emotional and spiritual support of your husband. Please look through my articles of encouragement page and find some of my free devotionals to encourage your heart. God can change the heart of your husband and many times He chooses to do it in a way that has nothing to do with us. It has everything to do with our prayers, but often God will bring someone else or an external situation in his life to convict his heart. Don’t give up, dear one. (Exodus 14:14 says “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”)
Cindi,
You strike me as a well educated and Godly female. This is why I am utterly confused by the advise as a female role model you provide. Your “advise ” continues to perpetuate the notion that as females we are the ones who have to compensate our characters to be pleasing to men. Why do educated women like yourself keep this idea going. It’s not smart . Smart for the men yes – not smart for us women. Why don’t you instead write about how men should change themselves to please us. Why is it always the females job to change her character and how she communicates to improve or save a “relationship”. Your advice is as a female , for me to compensate being a female and act more male. Why? Why can’t men compensate and act less dominant. Don’t tell me it’s not manly – nothing says a true man is brutus in character. We as women difine what a true man is by our own definitions. Your advice basically reinforces the stereotypical notion of men will be men so we have to work around them and by their rules and their ways. Again I ask you why? I have a masters degree, have studied the Bible and biblical history extensively and have been a married Christian female over 30 years. Thru all my education and life experiences I have never heard or read where God tells me to be a man = become like a man. Rather by design of God himself, the feminine charter is to – compliment not compensate ! All women should teach and model by example for all females , young and old – to be true to themselves and true to their own womanly character. Trust me , men by nature would adjust to us and be more focused on our needs,(as we have had to thru the course of history to theirs) if we as women ALL stood together . Instead we continue to be bombarded daily with advice belittling women physically, emotionally and spiritually by telling us how to change for our men. History will keep repeating the perception of the female being less then the male as long as society and women themselves accepting and perpetuating this notion.
Mel, thank you for addressing your concerns with me. I am sorry you have interpreted my writing and advice as encouraging women to be male, not female. That has certainly never been my intention.I write to women about how they can, through the power of the Holy Spirit, be what God intended them to be. In the case of married women, I believe the Bible points out that we were created to be “helpmates”. I have seen women, through the years, have unrealistic expectations for their husbands that only God can fill. I have seen wives expect their husband to serve them and make them happy when that goes both ways. I’ve seen women very critical of their husbands without considering what might be going on in their husbands’ hearts. I have addressed these issues to women, as a woman, who knows what it’s like to feel that way, at times. I don’t believe I’ve ever encouraged a woman to become like a man. I encourage them to be Christlike. So I guess I encourage them to be like THE MAN, the Lord Jesus. I encourage them to go to God FIRST with their emotional (as well as spiritual) needs and as they become strong in their relationship with Him, they will not be dependent on a man to fill them up. Perhaps those are the writings and books of mine you have missed. To answer your question about why I am not writing to men, women have always been my audience. Women read what I write. I am a woman, I can relate to women. In a book I co-authored with my husband called When Couples Walk Together, I let my husband address the men with the types of things THEY need to do. In my experience (and this could be a generational thing, because I’m guessing I might be older than you), men tend to receive instruction more readily from another man, especially when it comes to spiritual or marital instruction. Whether or not that’s right is not the point. In my experience, it has been a fact. When my articles run on Crosswalk.com often they are exposed to men, too, but by and large women are my audience. Thus I write to their hearts. Thank you for sharing yours with me. I do believe our intentions are the same in wanting women to live freely in the love of God and the power of His Holy Spirit, being all they were created to be. Thanks again for sharing your concerns and your questions.