3 Ways to Experience More with Your Husband


I’ll never forget the day I was cleaning through my top dresser drawer and found a treasure.

I almost threw out the stack of aged, yellowed papers, weathered by time and slightly torn on the edges. When I unfolded the papers and read through them, I instantly realized why I’d kept them all those years. On them were written words any woman would want to read over and over again. They were love letters from my husband that included phrases like “I love you beyond expression.” “You complete me like no other.” And “I love you desperately.”

As I read through them, my eyes teared up. And then my heart dropped.

I haven’t had a letter like this from him in years, I thought. Why doesn’t he write like this to me anymore?

All of the letters dated back to the first few years that we were married. Nearly 30 years ago! And they all described the captivating woman he saw me as – the woman I had hoped in my heart of hearts that I still was in his eyes.

How I would have loved to believe that I hadn’t changed a bit through the years. How easy it would have been to believe that he was the one who had become distant, more critical, less interested, and less passionate than he was the day we married. It was a little tougher to put that magnifying glass up to myself and ask if I was the one who let resentments build up or baggage get in the way.

I realized if I was to be the cherished wife who receives another letter like the ones I found in my top dresser drawer, I would have to become that woman my husband wrote to so many years ago.

Here are a few of the steps I took to remove the baggage, rebuild love, and recapture my husband’s heart. And they amount to three simple ways you can experience more with your husband.

1. Respond to Him Like a New Wife

When I asked myself what it was I was doing to make my husband write letters to me like he once did, the answer was simple: I was responding to him like a new bride.

Remember when you were a brand new bride? It might be decades ago or just a few weeks. But oh, what a feeling! You couldn’t wait until the two of you got off work so you could be together again. You constantly checked your voice mail messages or your phone to see if he had called during the day. You had a special sparkle in your eyes when you talked of him and a spring in your step when you walked alongside him. What would it take to get back that loving feeling for him? If you’re waiting for him to do something different, I guarantee he will when YOU start responding to him like you once did when you were a new wife.

2. Reframe What You Say to Him

Most of the baggage in marriage comes from words the two of you have said to one another. Careless words. Accusing words. Hurtful words. Many times we didn’t even intend for those words to sound the way they did. That’s the whole point in reframing your words to your husband. Ephesians 4:29 tells us to “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” So, instead of saying “Are you going to wear THAT to dinner?” Say instead, “I’d love it if you’d wear that blue shirt you look great in.” And instead of saying “Why don’t we go out on dates anymore?” try instead “I miss spending time alone with you.” Ask yourself, before the words exit your mouth, “Will this encourage him and make him believe I’m in his corner?” If the answer is no. Don’t say it at all.

3. Refuse to Dwell on the Negatives

In every relationship there are memories and situations you are best to let go of so the two of you can move forward. Negative thoughts and memories may assault you at times, but don’t let them run rampant in your mind. Instead, practice 2 Corinthians 10:5, which instructs us to “destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ.” Capture that thought and kill it. And then remember why you fell in love with your husband in the first place. Was it his tenderness? The way he made you laugh? His dependability and faithfulness no matter what the circumstance? Focus on his positive qualities – even ones that you believe are no longer there – and you just might start noticing them again.

Which one of these steps do you need to work on the most? Let me know in the comment section below (along with the U.S. state you live in) and I’ll select three winners to receive a free, signed copy of my newest book,  12 Ways to Experience More with Your Husband. (Or grab your copy now at a special introductory price in my website store for a limited time only!)

Cindi
About me

Cindi McMenamin is an award-winning author and national speaker who helps women find strength for the soul. She has nearly 30 years experience ministering to women and inspiring them to let God meet their emotional needs, grow stronger through their alone times, and pursue their dreams with boldness.

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24 Comments

Heather
Reply February 6, 2018

All three of these steps hit my heart in an eye opening way. #2 “reframe what you say to him” is what I need to work on the most and #3 “refuse to dwell on the negatives” is right behind it. Thank you for these practical steps and encouraging words on how I can be a better wife. 💜 from Indiana

    Cindi
    Reply February 6, 2018

    Thank you, Heather, for sharing your thoughts and for telling me where you're located. You're in the running for a free book.:)

Cyndi
Reply February 6, 2018

My first instinct was towards #2 because I always think, after my words to him, that I could have said that in a better way. But, my mind keeps going back to #1. My childhood lacked affection so it’s always a struggle for me not to fall into patterns of distancing myself. I will commit to being the new bride.

    Cindi
    Reply February 6, 2018

    Great comment, Cyndi. I think we all can better frame what we say when we take the time to think about it. Best wishes as you return to being a "new bride" in your heart and mind. Are you located in the U.S.?

      Cyndi
      Reply February 6, 2018

      Yes.
      Located in AZ

Gail Hollingsworth
Reply February 6, 2018

After over 36 years of marriage my husband and I have grown a lot. I’ve learned about him, loved him, and accepted him for who he already is. That took many years. He wasn’t a romantic when I married him and he isn’t now but he has been by my side and we’ve helped each other through so much. His dad and my mom both passed away this past year and we’ve been there for each other.
I do need to work on my “open mouth insert foot disease”. Sometimes I say something to him without thinking how he’ll react and I wish I could take it back.
We live in the great state of Alabama.

    Cindi
    Reply February 6, 2018

    Thank you, Gail, for sharing such beautiful insights about a marriage of trust and dependability. Thank you for your honest comment at the end there, too. :) You are entered to win a free copy of the book. Roll tide!

terri andrews
Reply February 6, 2018

Thank you for the great advice. I am convicted of "reframing what I say to him". I feel so bad when I say something and by the look on my husband's face I can tell it hurt him. It's going to take me carefully speaking intentionally - a habit I'm not used to - but I am going to try it. ♥

    Cindi
    Reply February 6, 2018

    Thank you, Terri, for leaving your thoughts and sharing your desire to carefully reframe what you say. :) Always great to hear from you on the blog and you're now entered to win a free copy of this new book. :)

P
Reply February 6, 2018

Awesome article!!! The resentment and negativity have had devastating results for me!

    Cindi
    Reply February 7, 2018

    Thank you for your honesty and for taking the time to leave a comment. That negativity and resentment can be reversed. It's worth a try.

Carolee
Reply February 6, 2018

Thanks so much for this! We were just discussing last night that we should talk the way we did 30 years ago. #2 hits home with me. I’m reactive and need to reframe what I say, and respond like I did years ago. I’m sure going to try !

    Cindi
    Reply February 7, 2018

    Thanks, Carolee. :)

Missy
Reply February 6, 2018

The step I need most to work on is #2 my words to my husband, encouraging him rather than discouraging him. It is quite a challenge! I am an encourager to most everyone I speak with and yet not with him. One thing I find uncanny is that my love language is words, and yet it’s hard for me to think that way in terms of him and I think based on his past it’s one of his most important love languages as well. A BIG challenge is how he relates his past to his present, and I have trouble helping him figure that out. I think the point of the matter is I am a fix-it kinda gal, if something’s wrong or broken I feel it’s my job to fix it, kinda part of how I do my job and it carries home! And that’s not what he needs me to be, I need to be a better listener and NOT offer the “fix”! I’m in PA, married 10 years to a great man!!!

    Cindi
    Reply February 7, 2018

    Thanks, Missy. You sound a lot like me in many ways. You're entered into the drawing for the book. :)

    Laura
    Reply February 11, 2018

    I am also a fixer mindset and experience the same challenges especially where my husband relates his past to his present. I have discovered more these past months that I need to listen more not only to my husband but listen to myself before speaking and be mindful of tone. It will take changes in me to see the change in my husband and our marriage.~PA

Monika
Reply February 6, 2018

Number two is the one I need to work on the most. It’s been my biggest struggle during our 13 years of marriage, but by the grace of God he’s still working on me and my heart. Thanks for the great advice!
Illinois 😊

    Cindi
    Reply February 7, 2018

    You're welcome, Monika. Thanks for your leaving your comment.

Chery
Reply February 9, 2018

Congratulations to your winners, but seriously, I have read this book and am here to say that ANYONE that buys this book is a winner!!! I am working on all three of those steps. When friends tell me they are "done" with their husbands I always say, "Well, why did you choose to marry him?" After they answer I tell them they need to go back to that...now I just recommend your book...so much better! I cannot say how much I, and my husband/marriage have reaped from your book Cindi! I know I've told you and don't want to be repeating except that it bears repeating. Cindi's book, "12 Ways to Experience More with Your Husband", will be the BEST investment in your marriage! I have a great marriage now 35 years, and I have reaped SO MUCH! My husband is happier (thanks Chapter 5...and a few others:-) Which equals me being happier! While I was reading your book sometimes my heart would pound from excitement at the thought of good things getting better! I wish I had had this book back when things weren't so "great". Fact is, I can think of how your book would have been valuable from our beginning to now! The WONDERFUL thing is that I have your book from here forward! You have several other books on marriage that are really good, and this one is a phenomenal addition! As always I really appreciate your transparency Cindi, it makes all you write so relate-able. Thank you for the gift your book has been/will be to my marriage<3

    Cindi
    Reply February 9, 2018

    Thank you, Chery, for your input I'm glad my book is helping you. 😊

Geua
Reply February 13, 2018

Thank you Cindi, your Steps are remarkable and have hit my heart hard. I've been married for 14 years, the kind of love that we used to have before is no longer there, it has been replaced with arguments, responds that are not pleasing and the list goes on. I need #1&2 the most to take his affection back. Geua

Cindi
Reply February 13, 2018

Congratulations to Gail Hollingsworth of Alabama, Monika of Illinois and Missy of Pennsylvania for winning a free copy of "12 Ways to Experience More with Your Husband." As a thank you to ALL who left comments and participated in the giveaway, please use coupon code "blogfan" in my website's shopping cart and receive another 20 percent off the introductory sale price of this book. (Offer expires 2/28/18).

Mationesa Nyabereka Sadomba
Reply February 14, 2018

Your comment*Hi Cindi I only got to stumble upon your website today the 14th of February. I must admit the first two pointers hit a chord in my heart. They made me realize how over 11 years in marriage, I no longer respond to him like a new wife, i have allowed time to cause us to grow too familiar with each other,allowing myself to use time to nurse grudges and harbour thoughts of resentment. In turn these thoughts come out as daggers when I speak as I always feel i should always be truthful, not realising how hurtful and vindictive I'm sounding, which offers my husband no hope at all. I thank God for leading me to your site and I believe it's a new beginning of new things and restoration in my marriage as I apply your teachings. May GOD richly bless you and know God has used you to answer a prayer of one of HIS daughters far away in a small town in Bulawayo, Zimbabwe

    Cindi
    Reply February 14, 2018

    Thank you so much for taking the time to let me know how my blog has helped you. I'm glad you stumbled upon my site, too, and I look forward to being an encouragement in your life and your marriage. God bless you...far away (but not to God!) in a small town in Zimbabwe! :)

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