What If He Loves Someone Else?


quote over a pink flower on a lily padWhat if the man you are longing for loves someone else?

I am dedicating the next few weeks on my blog to answering questions women ask.

A reader recently asked me: “Is it worth being in a relationship with someone who may be in love with someone else but whom he cannot be with?”

My heart breaks at this question because it tells me another woman out there is lonely in love to the point that she will settle. It’s not her fault. She’s been made to believe that if she tries harder, or sticks in there longer, or loses more weight, or changes her behavior in some way, this man will begin to love her, or love her more, or love her once again.

I  know of many women who would rather be with a man who doesn’t love them — or who treats them badly, or who just tolerates them — than to be alone. Yet, if we settle for whatever we can get in our relationships, we will always have what exists on the bottom wrung.

When women find their worth in God’s eyes, they will understand that they are loved with an everlasting love (Jeremiah 31:3), and that they are unforgettable to God (Isaiah 49:15), and that they are truly sought after (Isaiah 62:12).

Once a woman knows she is truly loved by her  Savior, she will no longer seek to be loved by a man at any cost. She will know she is ALREADY  loved at the ultimate cost. Jesus — God in the flesh — laid down His life for her on a Roman cross so that she would not have to die in her sins. It was the only thing that could be done so He could spend eternity with her. Knowing we have been rescued with that kind of unconditional, redeeming love, how could any man on this earth compete for our hearts?

So, my friend… No, it isn’t worth it to love and long for a man who really isn’t sure how he feels about you. If he loves someone else, but you are the one who is available and she is not, you need to make yourself unavailable to him…and available to whomever God might bring into your life once you raise your standards and say “I want my Heavenly Father’s very best…and I will hold out for nothing less.”

Keep your eyes open for a man who will love you as God already loves you and suddenly the bar will be much higher — and your chances of being hurt or betrayed will be much lower.

What is the question that is burning on your heart? Ask me in the comment section below and I will do my best to answer it in the coming weeks.

Cindi
About me

Cindi McMenamin is an award-winning author and national speaker who helps women find strength for the soul. She has nearly 30 years experience ministering to women and inspiring them to let God meet their emotional needs, grow stronger through their alone times, and pursue their dreams with boldness.

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18 Comments

Bre
Reply July 7, 2015

My husband held his "dirty little secret" (his remark) for 20 years when I found emails he'd been sending to his old lover. He's loved her all these years and had longed for her, found her on facebook. But after I learned about all this now 4 years ago, we nearly broke up, I've been heart broken ever since. He told me that he still intends to contact her occasionally. Things have changed, of course. How do I stay in a marriage like this? I love him, and I know he loves me, he just loves her too. He says it's over, I just need to get over it. I agree. I am seeking suggestions, bible references, any assistance or advice.

    StrengthSoul
    Reply July 7, 2015

    Thank you, Bre, for sharing your heartache here. I have heard many similar stories through the years and have sought out good resources to help women like you. I believe the best advice has come from Dr. James Dobson in his book, Love Must Be Tough. He recognized nearly 20 years ago when he wrote that book that women who are cheated on have a window of time to show "tough love" and change the heart of their husbands and restore their marriage or they will be cheated on and taken advantage of for the rest of their lives. I highly recommend his book. It is comforting, as well as confidence-building. And I will do my best to address this in more detail in the coming weeks. You are in my prayers today.

      Bre
      Reply July 8, 2015

      Thank you for your response and your prayers. "Love must be Tough" was one of the first books I read on affairs. There are several other good ones, such as Men women love, Women men Leave, the best book on co-dependency is Women who Love Too Much. I am beyond the game playing of pursuer/distancer, its more about healing my heart. I doubt if I will ever fully trust again and just rely on the Lord for love and guidance.
      I look forward to your future blogs!

        StrengthSoul
        Reply July 8, 2015

        Bre, my books Letting God Meet Your Emotional Needs and When a Woman Overcomes Life's Hurts, would be very encouraging to you right now and help you heal your heart and get to that place where you can rely on the Lord for love and guidance. Please check out some of my free articles on my Articles of Encouragement page that are based on these books and others. My prayer is that you will be comforted in the midst of all of this and find a true intimacy with God that is unlike anything you've experienced before.

Mercy
Reply July 7, 2015

Thank you Cindy.I was in a situation like this and I'm really glad that I have the answer I needed.I will definitely make my self unavailable.Thank u so much this email came at the right time.

    StrengthSoul
    Reply July 7, 2015

    Thank you, Mercy, for commenting. As you raise the bar of expectation in your life and see yourself as a daughter of the King you will find that God's love for you meets your expectations every time. Be encouraged.

Tracy
Reply July 8, 2015

So simple yet so true. " If we settle for whatever we can get in our relationships, we will always have what exists on the bottom wrung." Your email came at just the right time. Going through a breakup and lots of family drama in my life and found your website to be most encouraging. Has already helped me start to find my way.
Have ordered your books and can't wait for them to arrive.
Thank you! Thank you!!

    StrengthSoul
    Reply July 8, 2015

    You're welcome, Tracy. And thank YOU for taking the time to comment. I'm glad you found my site and are encouraged and I'm so pleased to hear that you'll be reading some of my books. Keep in touch. My heart is for you. :)

Neha
Reply July 8, 2015

Hello Cindy

Its a wonderful message.
But how do you cope when your husband never loved you when u got married or now after 7 months of our marriage.
He in every way keeps his distance being in 2 separate countries he still doesn't try to come after me or even try to talk to me. It's more than 3 weeks I haven't heard from him. I don't know what he wants from our marriage. He is always silent about everything. I don't even know if he wants to call me and wants to live together in the same country.
In 7 months all I have got is mental, physical and emotional distance.

    StrengthSoul
    Reply July 9, 2015

    Neha: I am so sorry for what you are experiencing. It's difficult for me to answer, not understanding the circumstances under which you got married. I will take a week or two to pray about this and seek God's wisdom in how to answer responsibly and biblically. Thank you for trusting me with your question and stay tuned to my blog in the coming weeks. You are in my prayers, Sister.

      Neha
      Reply July 9, 2015

      Hello Cindi

      Thank you so much.
      My husband is not a believer. But he knew evrything before we married and he nevr had any issues with my faith. Till now it's not about argument on our faith but I hardly know the man I married bcoz he tends to keep himself distant. Our marriage sometime seems one sided. Right now I'm in a position where I am confused if I should try again n go back in his life.

Seun okunuga
Reply July 11, 2015

Wow..."when women find their worth in God's eyes, they'll understand that they are loved with an evalasting love". I love those lines. Just looking unto Jesus now, i know every other thing will be taken care off.
Thank you Cindi.

cesilia
Reply July 12, 2015

Hi cindi, your blog blesses me so much. I am getting a divorce . I tried everything to save my marriage . He doesn't want to and my heart is turning into compassion for him. God will not be mocked ! I have kept my covenant in the Lord. Although it still hurts. He was a believer , I'm not shocked because we are all sinners and fall short of God's glory. But I love what you about if he is not a man after God's own heart, he has no business being after my heart. I do want my Father's very best, and this time I won't settle for less. I will not let this divorce keep me from remarrying . Thank you for your encouraging words . Please keep me in prayer as I go through this divorce . I really need it. If you have any Godly advice for me, or feel led by the Spirit of God to speak in my life, please do. God bless you ! ☺

    StrengthSoul
    Reply July 12, 2015

    Thank you for commenting, Cesilia. I must be very careful when giving someone advice concerning divorce. I will answer to God for how I represent Him or speak on His behalf and I know He is the God of reconciliation and divorce is never His desire. I do not know the details of your situation but our Heavenly Father does. Yes, I will keep you in my prayers during this time. Cling to Him every step of the way. Surrender your heart to Him and don't let your heart become bitter in any way. We become more like Him as we love unconditionally and show grace even when others don't deserve it...as that is what He has done for us.

Chery
Reply August 11, 2015

Thank you for your touching post, Cindi. I am so blessed:-)

Carol Ann
Reply August 28, 2016

Hi, Cindi - I just found your blog here. I'm a widow, of a year, and I recently became involved (on the phone, long distance) with a man who just told me he's long been in love with a married woman, with whom he carried out a lengthy affair, until about 5-6 years' ago. (BTW, that woman will never leave her husband for this man - she says she can't, because the husband is crazy/needy/abusive, etc. . . . ) --- I don't think he's meant to hurt me - but it does rather sting - and he said he told me because he respects me and doesn't want to use me, to try to get over her. He's said that I've been the only woman to really catch his attention, since this woman, but that he knows I would need 100% of him and that he doesn't know what he has to give to me. He said he never should have gotten involved with me (in our conversations) like he did. I told him I think he needs therapy and that I don't want to talk to him, anymore.

I wish I had never talked to him, to being with. It does hurt.

    Cindi
    Reply August 30, 2016

    Carol Ann: Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you, mostly, because it is a sign of your strength and your uncompromising values. I hear from so many women who would rather be with someone who is only partially there for them or who even treats them badly than to be with no one at all. God bless you for keeping your standards high and for knowing there is no future with the kind of man who recently deceived you into thinking he was available for a relationship. By telling him to get therapy and not talk to you anymore you show a strength I haven't seen in women for quite some time. Thank you, again, for sharing your story and your example of a woman will hold out for what is best for her, not settle for less. My prayer is that God will bring the right person into your life who will have no reservations toward you and you will have no reservations toward him. Blessings, my friend.

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